title

Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean

Vigorous Marvin

2
Followers
11
Plays
Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean
Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean

Dave and Jeb Aren't Mean

Vigorous Marvin

2
Followers
11
Plays
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About Us

Journalists Jeb Lund and David J. Roth step away from the the anxieties of the real world and step into the gentle, cornball, consequence-free fantasy world that exists only on the Hallmark Channel. Every week, give or take, we discuss a different Hallmark original movie—from Christmas cheer, to wedding jitters, to bakers who solve murders—and break it down into recognizable components of angels, moms, moppets, themed sweaters and mountains of dinner rolls, and try to make sense of the moments when the stories veer away from comfort films and find themselves in the uncanny valley. Welcome to a sweet, strange, stilted vision of the world—not so much an escape from modern life as a relaxing trip to an alternate universe where everyone is silly, chaste, nice, and mostly doing fine.

Latest Episodes

069 - The Sex Number

ESARA KATE WILKINSON findsLOVE AT FIRST DANCE (2018) leads to: Cat intercourse ... THEME ... It's a beautiful day in Hallmarkia ... Rockin' pneumonia ... Pleasant and frictionless ... Pretty movie ... The Expositional Challenge ... Prescribe more air horn ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes: Inoffensive meet-cute conflict ... Swedish New York aristocracy ... Gorgeous business fiancée ... Niall Matter Appreciation Station ... Busy time for the market ... You take care of the flowers ... How to hold a cat ... Pond standing ... Hallmark Get off the Fence ... This woman is brave as hell ... Real-dancer butt differential ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Mutual muses or nothing! ... Classic Lines: Becca Tobin, tiny, in-character clothes and pretty; Adriana's false wedding-dress anxiety; Frank Gehry dress; sweet friends, no ulterior motives; matter, Niall mind; off-the-rack suits, shapeless tie; athlete-ass couture; boater-ass vibe ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cake tasting in a food desert; pastry tu...

71 MIN3 d ago
Comments
069 - The Sex Number

068 - The Matrix, but for Marriage

EThe Oracle says we'll meet MY ONE AND ONLY (2019) and: Make a hashtag out of #UandMe ... THEME ... Ballooning away ... Locked-in disorder experience ... Refrigerator poetry/Taco Bell menu plot ... Bean unit ... 5-layer burrito ... Rude zingers ... When Pascale Hutton talks ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... The wrap-up ... Self-aware but self-Hallmarking dialogue ... "I worked at Big Dogs" ... Juvenile lean-in to meta-commentary ... Crowded by Crown Media formulas ... Selsen Blue's reality show setups ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Bupkes! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Giant bowl of cherries; you love fortune cookies; single women housing deep-fried starches; consensual choke cherry jam; incredible BBQ blocking ... A jillion extras ... Hallmark Basic Instinct ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Founders Day and the Wicker Man; The Ranch Belt; Jason Whitlock, the Steve Bannon of Haberdashery; Hot Shots, Part Deux; Luke Perry; Carl is hard; ranch pandemic; All Things Valentine callback ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Exhaustive fear/falling metaphors; decent elder wisdom; priceless journals for all guests; The Deseret School of memoirs ... Crossover: The Horse Whisperer, but with wife-swapping; Days of Heaven; Heaven's Gate ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, with a strongly non-selfless irresolute ending ... Rating: 2 ... Following Andy Kaufman ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Lee Brice's "Rumor" ... Twitter auditing Lee Brice ... Bunnicula ... I Choo-Choo-Choose Logitech ... I gotta grab some permits ... Pandering luddism ... Sushi burritos ... Angry old Cosby ... Edward Woodward and filming in bad weather ... Every Hallmark movie is 10 days old ... Tactics on Trout ... Fishing hook to the face ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Birthday Cake," by Cibo Matto•"The Ballad of the Green Berets," by SSgt Barry Sadler • "Rumor," by Lee Brice • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

68 MIN2 w ago
Comments
068 - The Matrix, but for Marriage

067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend

EWe experience LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE (2017) and forget about: The tango ... THEME ... Cuckolding nurse ... This movie's f'ing crazy ... 1.5 deaths ... Repeatedly traumatizing one boy ... Mount Igneous ... Canadian polygamy ... Dave makes it normal ... Pausing before the insanity ... Whiffs of The Mistletoe Promise ... Amy Smart Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Plot in 20 Minutes: Still in the quirky Hallmark era ... Jump to Conclusions Editor ... Exclusive: The Meaning of Love ... Dumped by Carl over deuce ravioli ... Art O. F. Fielding ... Obvious gay BFF dressed like a magician ... Hallmark greeting-card photographer ... Actual, legitimate journalism ... China in a dog shop ... Extra Hot Great reverie ... Beautiful exterior and real action shots ... The cuckolding nurse's Hallmark-card-text monologue ... "That is so tragic" ... Dinosaur Mountain's eruption slope ... Amnesia breakup ... Not Bucs QB Brad Johnson ... Now THAT'S a cuckolding nurse ... Richard Riehl's cookie monologue ... James and his dad have hogs ... Carl's breakup amnesia ... "Did you read my article on the meaning of love?" ... Gay BFF clothing shade ... Potential traffic fatality ... OOTS OOTS music ... Here's my childhood trauma valentine ... Beefcake ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: James/Adrian Grenier ... Eat Your Heart Out: Phantom ravioli for two; Spielberg's Tiramisu; frightened of sushi; back-alley pastries; "blintz? blintz?"; chalky valentine hearts ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Salt Lake Outpost vs. a Mistletoe Promise vibe vs. Reader Appeal ... Journalismism: A front-page article on the meaning of love and text from a term paper on child development ... Overdetermined: The entire second act, the messianic love of James ... Crossover: This Is Us riff; send them to Vietnam; hearing "How to Save a Life" in a hospital; Castle Rock, the series ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: "One of those guys who confuses mommies and girlfriends"; Ubers in Hallmark; Julia Roberts gag; foundation-slathered gay BFF cattiness; picking the one bad outfit of three; waiting for the craziness; Mistletoe Promise death callbacks ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Movie Rating: 3.5 ... Jello mold/mother's little helper chat ... The Leftovers: Fake Confucius quote ... Crown Media shout-out ... Lots of Successories ... Real texting tactics ... Adrian Grenier's classic tweet ... "Dogs are my life, dogs saved my life, James saved my life" ... Pictures in the Hall of Editors ... Mary CRUSHES this breakup ... Boyfriend ... Kathy Kloves' writing chops/choices ... Exorcist III: Legion ... Flippin' OJ Simpson ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk •"Blame, Etc.," by The Afghan Whigs • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne

71 MIN3 w ago
Comments
067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend

066 - The Cheeseburger Address

EIt's an embarrassment of riches with the SISTER OF THE BRIDE (2019) and:Extra Hot Great, SVU and the cultural canon ... Vartan Dadian ... THEME ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Oxford School of Economics ... Professor of Factoidal Weddingology ... Cherry T-Bird ... Golfing without golfing ... Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca ... Hallmark Inversion: A talented golfer feigning incompetence ... Mind if we film-through? ... Michael Gross brings you to tears ... A B&B with strangers, a fridge at the in-laws ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... A marriage drama with logistics ... Charming banter ... Hide the realtor ... Eat Your Heart Out: The whitest Hallmark movie yet; coffee meet-cute; pancakes-and-waffles summer and colossal breakfast starch; a Gosford Park of food; first Hallmark IPAs; an establishment Republican film; Viking River Cruise people; Perillo Tours; flabbergasting carrot-peeling technique; rich people guessing and/or tanking at chores; inhuman mass of salad; Founding Fathers raspberry tarts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Department Chair in Marriageology from Puppy Love vs. An MVA with Love of Course, a Christmas Melody and Puppy Love ... Alle Lieben Jake ... Overdetermined: The Cheeseburger Address ... Michael Gross as the bummer GOP father-in-law ... The Mr. Fusion of guest-star speeches ... Jen Lilley being enthusiastic for you ... Why is Candace Cameron the hegemon? ... Crossover: Tremors, in this movie vs. 2012 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Unambiguously no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone at ease in the same unreality ... Rating: A backdoor 3 ... Cranked the dial all the way to bread ... Letters to Santa: It turns out 9/11 happened ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Everyone is rich ... Kate Wagner and McMansion Hell Appreciation Station ... Squatter's rights ... Invisible giant engagement ring ... Voiceover priest ... Two copies of the college textbook ... I'm looking forward to hearing the wedding band ... Punk underground vs. Techno ... Not laughing in the writers' room ... PA in jeans at the wedding ... Thoughtless rich-people wedding invite ... Amazon peeling review ... Merry Christmas!... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Eggs and Sausage (In a Caddilac with Susan Michelson)," by Tom Waits •"Let's Roll," by Neil Young• All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

70 MINSEP 10
Comments
066 - The Cheeseburger Address

065 - Day Drinking Through Dog Trauma

ESTACEY GOTSULIAS has comps and will travel for PUPPY LOVE (2012) and: A Parental Advisory from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME ...No regrets ... Jeb picked a turkey ... Actor athleticism ... Terminally predictable ... 18 minutes of abandonment and anxiety ... Collar foley work ... The Expositional Challenge: Called for rain ... How we bork the Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Jamie Moyer and John Franco's hospice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Gail vs. Jake The Dog ... Darin Erstad dog comp ... Watching dog trauma ... Dogs are more three-dimensional than Hallmark plots ... Gail, a normal person ... Old person's name ... Eat Your Heart Out: Day-drinking; butt chugging; 50 pizza lies; Phoenix pizza; hand-tossed pizza comps; one pound of brie; stolen joint of meat; Candace Cameron's NY secret ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Art Thou Botown Minor League Org Chart and Joe Theismann's Sports Agency vs. All Things Valentine radio trash talk vs. The Mariah Carey Long Island Ohio Expanded Universe ... Classic Lines: CandyCams' stiletto heels, Victor Webster's height, method shoe acting, a paper bag full of women's shoes, Wilpon/Wilpoff, piss-take $500 shoe design; not looking like a college professor ... Not the worst CandyCams performance, but ... Who falls for someone this brittle? ... Foosball, sure, but the house I don't buy ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: "Who settles for Megan?" vs. Gail punching holes in plot urgency vs. Where's my f*cking dog??? ... Crossover: Death Ship or Ghost Ship; Candace Cameron in The Running Man; Ryles, buddy comedy guy; not the guy who drinks your fat; Jerry Maguire, but with the Mets ... Intentional Talk ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Passes by letter, but not spirit; incredibly thoughtless tiger mom real-estate decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryles or maybe Megan or maybe everybody ... The Great American Novel ... Leon Uris ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson ... Movie Rating: 1 ... The Leftovers: Totally struck out ... Where does Ryles live? ... Lambrusco Co. ... You gonna retire from old age soon? ... Moe, don't throw out those bobbleheads! ... Traded to New Jersey ... Hallmark's concept of the Disabled List ... Longing montage without longing ... Inland Empire-level pacing violations ... BREAK ... IMDB dive on Harvey Frost: Midnight Heat (1995), Tim Matheson, burly owner ... The Brittany Murphy Story ... My Secret Identity and Out of This World ... Steve Bacic, A Professor of Sports ... Aunt kisses and post-credits horniness ... German obedience school ... The Roanfield Post, Poegos in the Series, jump back to A2, money ruins sports and Prairie Chicken on the Field Has the Padres Crying Foul ... Never dated a player before ... Authentic Heineken ... Plugs ... Super Train ... Merry Christmas•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baseball Boogie," by Mabel Scott • "Knock It out of the Park," by Sam and Dave • "Talkin' Baseball," by NancyBea Hefley•All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

87 MINAUG 22
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065 - Day Drinking Through Dog Trauma

064 - Are You Afraid of the Badge?

ESARA KATE WILKINSON meetsTHE CONVENIENT GROOM (2016) only to fall in love with: Our best friend Phylis ... THEME ... Dave is off tanning ... Fake spouses, a favorite thing ... Shakespeare tropes ... The Expositional Challenge ... Stone b*tch fake mother-in-law ... First-act cheater ... Confessing during technical difficulties ... Twentysomething with teen hairstyle love ... Mr. Lorelai Gilmore ... When we started liking it ... Vanessa Marcil Appreciation Station ... David Sutcliffe, delightfully in his sweet spot ... Rounding out the other characters ... Phylis, and a family of Canadian flashback TV show guests ... Larissa Albuquerque ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero ... Journalismism: Vlogger, not blogger; tripod videographer; this is not how book deals work; Pam, clueless; reply in comments; women watching vlogs in public spaces; Dr. Kate Lawrence, Ph.D. ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: A TON of food; 3 first-date red flags callback; staircase torment; FISH vs. HAM; inexplicable dinner; happy-face waffle; curry is awesome; 14 plums; housing unripe fruit; unidentifiable chicken roll; suspicious dietary restrictions; wedding charcuterie plate; close your mouth when you chew; takeout bailout ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: While You Were Sleeping echoes vs. A Pacific Northwest boating fatality ... LINK: Egregious home architecture ... You can't do blue material on a billiard table ... Overdetermined: None; getting choked up by a Hallmark movie; everything you've said about love is wrong; "mother-daughter talk"; bizarre giggling, Objectivist scoffing; bad bird sculpture; no explanation to be believed; married today ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A technical success that works anyway ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pam, a valueless automaton ... Rating: 4.5 ... Almost perfect, apart from the books and the mom ... The Leftovers: Pleasantly reading during TV time ... Are You Afraid of the Badge ... Chilling at home ... Keep Fuckin' That Chicken Files: Faux puns, phone seizure ... "You were with Bryan because you had no reason not to be" ... Be nice, internet people are brutal ... Merry Christmas ...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking from the Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • The Newlywed Game Theme (1969) •All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

68 MINAUG 16
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064 - Are You Afraid of the Badge?

063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining

EWe go back to the CHRISTMAS LAND (2015) and: We will never forget our granddaughters ... You can't go out there and die ... THEME ... Monsoons and painter's scaffolding ... Picking Richard Karn, Maureen McCormick and Christmas tree farms ... Tree farms, Staten Island, egg nog ... Dave's yokel safari ... Jurassic Park ripple ... Luke MacFarland Appreciation Station ... The Mistletoe Promise callback ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Cooper, Cobbler, Baker, Apothecary ... Two lawyers, first in class, failed in Contracts ... Implied, oral, incomplete ... Hallmark Goodfellas ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Glinda the Good Grandma vs. Jules herself ... Did you fight in the Scone Wars? ... Check out the barn on that one ... Eat Your Heart Out: Uncle pancakes, just a guy with pancakes, bathrobe-cult culture, actual cocktail, red-wine waterglass, live drillin', Thomas á Becket, cupcake abundance, collapsing roof ... Italian grief food amounts ... Artisanal barn cocktails ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The County of Christmas Land and Free Cities of Potemkin Christmas Villages vs. The greater Chicago/Midwestern Christmas blob ... Our Hallmark book written periodically in Elvish ... Something that sounds like Welsh ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Unacceptable, envisioning The Worst Idea of All Time, thought Shaq would be bigger, The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test ... Hallmark courtroom tactics ... Overdetermined: "I know what you're doing," angelic reaffirmation, Tucker's anti-metropolitan heel turn, exes can share New York, almost everything you need is here ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Heck no, but...; general good-plot and Bechdel correlation even on Hallmark; "fecundity" ... Rating: 3, benignly and maybe ideally ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Encyclopedia of Pines ... Christmas Beef Lot: Good selection, unorganized by species or height/price tier, silly prices, insane competition, soak it in ice water ... Frankin' a dook ... "Scrooge" reappearance ... Mitchell: Hallmark dick boyfriend taken to unethical levels ... $850,000 to sell coffee on a single block ... Four retirees, $450,000, and an uncle with 4" of bank-billed Benjamins ... Nikki DeLoach, Erin Grey, Twiki ... Real Season 2 Buck Rogers Hours ... Nikki DeLoach Appreciation Station ... VHS softcore in the mall CD store ... Sam Earvin, Acting on Impulse, and: Linda Fiorentino, Nancy Allen, C. Thomas Howell, Adam Ant, Isaac Hayes, etc. ... Four Cassandra Peterson movies, but only one Elvira ... Santico ... Jamarcus Russell, Charlie Weis, and the 2007 All-State Sugar Bowl ...Merry Christmas ... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Then He Kissed Me," by The Crystals •"Tri," by Y Niwl • "Trees," by Joyce Kilmer and Oscar Rosbach, performed by Ben Selvin and his Orchestra • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

71 MINAUG 9
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063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining

062 - The Piglet Level Is Just Rising

ESARAH D. BUNTING's back, and we're gonna get in corrals for 2016's LOVE IN PARADISE and: Pomeranian ... THEME ... Unprepared to get worked up about Luke Perry ... The bone-marrow level of Luke Perry pop-culture weight ... Erred on the side of Priestley ... A very generous actor and good dude ... "We shoulda taken him more seriously" ... You can legally punch Brian Austin Greene ... The Luke Perry Kidding-The-Material Rating ... The face does the work ... Two 90210 eras ... I got the job squinting ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Professionalism defined ... Plot mop-up: How is he doing ranch events; exposed by a high-school journalist; Max Headroom, Large Animal Doctor; Michael Moriarty; you gotta keep beefing with Janet Reno; coastal ex ... "This was not bad" ... A rustler named "Guthrie"? ... A qualitative difference in one-off movies ... The Wedding March: Failing to wink at bio material ... Surprisingly tart (Pompeii), surprisingly sexual (barn) ... Exchanging butt glances ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Curly the Pig, Familiar ... Murder by Death callback ... The pig *is* the Pomeranian ... Farmer Lev's Pastoral Hoedown: The binary opposition throughout history; red states, Harlequin, Dreiser and Lewis; Yankee fan in Montana with fake crickets; steak, chili and blueberry pie; "city slicker"; desaturated apartment; unlicensed to drive; comparing scars; Pomeranian pillow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Sushi and Food Network; pre-cool my steak, thanks; chili cook-off; farties fuel, Nora! ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wedding March, 1885 vs. Inventory exchange among failing dude ranches ... Overdetermined: Max Headroom's "It's the H-H-Heart" vs. That's not how trails work ... Health food store creepin' ... Crossover: SVU investigating on-set of Aim to Please and the squint-off vs. Home Is Where the H-H-Heart is vs. Max Headroom answering bunnies vs. The Magnificent One vs. Avery Ford, Humane Westworlder ... Again with This note: Working Shadowcaster ... The Grand Unifying Theory of Munch ... BREAK ... Rating: 4.5 ... Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Guthries ... Take Heather's story out of her father's mouth ... Make Heather's ex Guthrie ... The Leftovers: Seeing a man about a TV ... Bundy toilet ... Saying the name of the movie in the movie ... "You wouldn't know him, he's Canadian" ... Young Tom Steyer: I'm Guthrie, and I learned my lesson ... I reversed a crime with the exact skills you taught me! ... Young Luke Perry impressionist ... Buttercup ... Logrolling in our time ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Theme from Beverly Hills 90210," by John Davis•All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

75 MINJUL 25
Comments
062 - The Piglet Level Is Just Rising

061 - Gail Is the Haint

ESARA KATE WILKINSON gets sent to CHRISTMAS CAMP (2018) to learn: All these people are dead ... THEME ... Ready for Christmas in July ... Can't find this movie ... Normie Hallmark Facebook ... Inert but fascinating ... A delightful vision of organized cabin fever ... Adults at camp ... Not taking work seriously ... The book isn't better ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes ... Bobby Campo IRL ... Greg Evigan's daughter ... Krampus as himself ... The most goth Hallmark character to date ... The hard Hallmark script schedule ... Hyperkinetic opening scene, then constant claustrophobia ... Christmas cult brochure ... Booming Ben as Ken Howard ... David Lynch-ass blocking and set decoration ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes (Cont.) ... Meet Jeff, camp drifter ... The Christmas Camp Checklist/Certificate ... BJGSSHIC ... Ian and Susie, dumb as hell ... Mike Budenholzer and Billy Donovan ... Hainted Gail and Troop Ryan ... Harold Pinter's The Birthday Party ... Brechtian snow ... Charlie Brown-ass tree ... Snowball-target affirmations ... Met at the wharf ... Franchise camp ... First rational Hallmark quit ... Dating app, troop return ... Gail and Ryan are ghosts ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Krampus; Dog possessed by haints?; "Give away products"; John, Blake and Madison, magically non-white, unhelped ... Eat Your Heart Out: All-carb breakfast; turn an oven on; buffalo-wing compromise; no-surprise baby announcement ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gail downloads Mingle All the Way vs. Watching Chase Taynor choke for Botown ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No...??? ... Aimless, inconsistent but contextually logical ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Finally, a heroine who gets promoted and returns to the big city; Haley shows no interest in dating; blowing off a coat; she doesn't pursue him; spontaneous desire to be Mom & Dad; bringing ornaments to camp ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Rating: 2.5 ... Embracing Lynch and Gail as a haint ... Maybe they're all dead ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Your Groupcycle class ... "A go-getter" ... Stevie Nicks Camp ... The Rebranding of the Puffin Hotel ... Pipe burst? Take your time ... Side entrance, fake entrance, deformed house, and a demon greeting elf ... Do you wanna go inside? ... Never forget WHAT, Jeb? ... Naval captain wine glasses ... Validating yourself too much through work ... Yeeaaahhhh, buuuuuddy ... Telling my boss my boss is killing me ... Merry Christmas ...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti •All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

81 MINJUL 19
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061 - Gail Is the Haint

060 - Horse Whisperer Has Come Unstuck in Time

EWe're horsing around for eternity with VALENTINE EVER AFTER (2016) and doing unpaid labor on: A dude ranch ... THEME ... Knee calipers ... Going in optimistic ... Eric Johnson Appreciation Station ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rock-mount failure; dude ranch; hospital raffle ... Alana Smithee, or Alana Smithee? ... Heavy tropery and peak overdeterminism ... BREAK ... Journalismism: One perfect catastrophe of news layout; Hyphen Stanheight; Hello, mako; Rahm Emanuel ... Fleeing Chad ... Spot the Angel: Probably angel-free vs. a very Twin Peaks judge ... Funding MRAPs through the recession ... Lindsay Anderson's "Mission to Christmas" ... Nigel Bennett's IMDB ... Casual slave labor ... Razzing a Hallmark cop ... Fogel, Engerman and Hallmark cliometrics ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Beef stew, Cowboy Bar and Cadillac Restaurant; carb-dating Hallmark movies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Please remind us to bring back old bits; Chicago, The Radcliffe Center and your donor base; build the Hallmark wiki; Kitten's billion-dollar fund; James Brolin's ranch ... Paul Auster's New York Trilogy ... Jerry Lewis's Clown Holocaust ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Dad's immediate, relentless info-dump; the character-development efficiencies of early exposition vs. PEAK info-dump, plot recap and foreshadowing vs. Incredibly overdetermined Colbie Caillat ... Rapping end-credit plot summaries ... Puff Daddy, KRS-One and Bobby Brown ... iZombie whips ... BREAK ... Crossover: Gavin Learning about himself in David Mamet's The Edge vs. "Ben Thomas has come unstuck in The Horse Whisperer" ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Easily succeeds but maybe totally doesn't ... Partner Chat: Kate face-pulling; carb-free biscuits ... Rating: 4 ... Structurally bad but nimbly leaning into it ... "Metropolitan" ladies ... Outstanding leads ... Mom Lily as shrewd, tough, wise and worthy of embodying a compliment ... Gavin Stanheight's legitimate anger/heartache ... Awful, last-minute quit ... Organic trauma-swap ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Girlfriend Experience ... Population density of Wyoming ... Hallmark's The Terror ... Cemetery Man callback ... Edgar Allan Poe-ass statue ... City Girl can sometimes ride ... Don McBrearty: "Gay or Straight, Is There A Choice?" ... Look how cute this horse is ... Turning off my ringer ... First-ever Hallmark c*ckblock ... Police escort for landowners ... Child interruption ... Merry Christmas...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Generique Assault," by KRS-One •"On Our Own," by Bobby Brown •• All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

78 MINJUL 12
Comments
060 - Horse Whisperer Has Come Unstuck in Time

Latest Episodes

069 - The Sex Number

ESARA KATE WILKINSON findsLOVE AT FIRST DANCE (2018) leads to: Cat intercourse ... THEME ... It's a beautiful day in Hallmarkia ... Rockin' pneumonia ... Pleasant and frictionless ... Pretty movie ... The Expositional Challenge ... Prescribe more air horn ... BREAK ... Plot in 15 Minutes: Inoffensive meet-cute conflict ... Swedish New York aristocracy ... Gorgeous business fiancée ... Niall Matter Appreciation Station ... Busy time for the market ... You take care of the flowers ... How to hold a cat ... Pond standing ... Hallmark Get off the Fence ... This woman is brave as hell ... Real-dancer butt differential ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Mutual muses or nothing! ... Classic Lines: Becca Tobin, tiny, in-character clothes and pretty; Adriana's false wedding-dress anxiety; Frank Gehry dress; sweet friends, no ulterior motives; matter, Niall mind; off-the-rack suits, shapeless tie; athlete-ass couture; boater-ass vibe ... Eat Your Heart Out: Cake tasting in a food desert; pastry tu...

71 MIN3 d ago
Comments
069 - The Sex Number

068 - The Matrix, but for Marriage

EThe Oracle says we'll meet MY ONE AND ONLY (2019) and: Make a hashtag out of #UandMe ... THEME ... Ballooning away ... Locked-in disorder experience ... Refrigerator poetry/Taco Bell menu plot ... Bean unit ... 5-layer burrito ... Rude zingers ... When Pascale Hutton talks ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge ... The wrap-up ... Self-aware but self-Hallmarking dialogue ... "I worked at Big Dogs" ... Juvenile lean-in to meta-commentary ... Crowded by Crown Media formulas ... Selsen Blue's reality show setups ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Bupkes! ... Eat Your Heart Out: Giant bowl of cherries; you love fortune cookies; single women housing deep-fried starches; consensual choke cherry jam; incredible BBQ blocking ... A jillion extras ... Hallmark Basic Instinct ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Founders Day and the Wicker Man; The Ranch Belt; Jason Whitlock, the Steve Bannon of Haberdashery; Hot Shots, Part Deux; Luke Perry; Carl is hard; ranch pandemic; All Things Valentine callback ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Exhaustive fear/falling metaphors; decent elder wisdom; priceless journals for all guests; The Deseret School of memoirs ... Crossover: The Horse Whisperer, but with wife-swapping; Days of Heaven; Heaven's Gate ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Yes, with a strongly non-selfless irresolute ending ... Rating: 2 ... Following Andy Kaufman ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Lee Brice's "Rumor" ... Twitter auditing Lee Brice ... Bunnicula ... I Choo-Choo-Choose Logitech ... I gotta grab some permits ... Pandering luddism ... Sushi burritos ... Angry old Cosby ... Edward Woodward and filming in bad weather ... Every Hallmark movie is 10 days old ... Tactics on Trout ... Fishing hook to the face ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Birthday Cake," by Cibo Matto•"The Ballad of the Green Berets," by SSgt Barry Sadler • "Rumor," by Lee Brice • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

68 MIN2 w ago
Comments
068 - The Matrix, but for Marriage

067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend

EWe experience LOVE AT FIRST GLANCE (2017) and forget about: The tango ... THEME ... Cuckolding nurse ... This movie's f'ing crazy ... 1.5 deaths ... Repeatedly traumatizing one boy ... Mount Igneous ... Canadian polygamy ... Dave makes it normal ... Pausing before the insanity ... Whiffs of The Mistletoe Promise ... Amy Smart Appreciation Station ... BREAK ... Plot in 20 Minutes: Still in the quirky Hallmark era ... Jump to Conclusions Editor ... Exclusive: The Meaning of Love ... Dumped by Carl over deuce ravioli ... Art O. F. Fielding ... Obvious gay BFF dressed like a magician ... Hallmark greeting-card photographer ... Actual, legitimate journalism ... China in a dog shop ... Extra Hot Great reverie ... Beautiful exterior and real action shots ... The cuckolding nurse's Hallmark-card-text monologue ... "That is so tragic" ... Dinosaur Mountain's eruption slope ... Amnesia breakup ... Not Bucs QB Brad Johnson ... Now THAT'S a cuckolding nurse ... Richard Riehl's cookie monologue ... James and his dad have hogs ... Carl's breakup amnesia ... "Did you read my article on the meaning of love?" ... Gay BFF clothing shade ... Potential traffic fatality ... OOTS OOTS music ... Here's my childhood trauma valentine ... Beefcake ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: James/Adrian Grenier ... Eat Your Heart Out: Phantom ravioli for two; Spielberg's Tiramisu; frightened of sushi; back-alley pastries; "blintz? blintz?"; chalky valentine hearts ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: A Salt Lake Outpost vs. a Mistletoe Promise vibe vs. Reader Appeal ... Journalismism: A front-page article on the meaning of love and text from a term paper on child development ... Overdetermined: The entire second act, the messianic love of James ... Crossover: This Is Us riff; send them to Vietnam; hearing "How to Save a Life" in a hospital; Castle Rock, the series ... BREAK ... Partner Chat: "One of those guys who confuses mommies and girlfriends"; Ubers in Hallmark; Julia Roberts gag; foundation-slathered gay BFF cattiness; picking the one bad outfit of three; waiting for the craziness; Mistletoe Promise death callbacks ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Movie Rating: 3.5 ... Jello mold/mother's little helper chat ... The Leftovers: Fake Confucius quote ... Crown Media shout-out ... Lots of Successories ... Real texting tactics ... Adrian Grenier's classic tweet ... "Dogs are my life, dogs saved my life, James saved my life" ... Pictures in the Hall of Editors ... Mary CRUSHES this breakup ... Boyfriend ... Kathy Kloves' writing chops/choices ... Exorcist III: Legion ... Flippin' OJ Simpson ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "El Bimbo," by Bimbo Jet, from the Police Academy Soundtrack, composed by Robert Folk •"Blame, Etc.," by The Afghan Whigs • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne

71 MIN3 w ago
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067 - We Named the Dog Boyfriend

066 - The Cheeseburger Address

EIt's an embarrassment of riches with the SISTER OF THE BRIDE (2019) and:Extra Hot Great, SVU and the cultural canon ... Vartan Dadian ... THEME ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Oxford School of Economics ... Professor of Factoidal Weddingology ... Cherry T-Bird ... Golfing without golfing ... Jack Welch, Lee Iacocca ... Hallmark Inversion: A talented golfer feigning incompetence ... Mind if we film-through? ... Michael Gross brings you to tears ... A B&B with strangers, a fridge at the in-laws ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: No ... A marriage drama with logistics ... Charming banter ... Hide the realtor ... Eat Your Heart Out: The whitest Hallmark movie yet; coffee meet-cute; pancakes-and-waffles summer and colossal breakfast starch; a Gosford Park of food; first Hallmark IPAs; an establishment Republican film; Viking River Cruise people; Perillo Tours; flabbergasting carrot-peeling technique; rich people guessing and/or tanking at chores; inhuman mass of salad; Founding Fathers raspberry tarts ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Department Chair in Marriageology from Puppy Love vs. An MVA with Love of Course, a Christmas Melody and Puppy Love ... Alle Lieben Jake ... Overdetermined: The Cheeseburger Address ... Michael Gross as the bummer GOP father-in-law ... The Mr. Fusion of guest-star speeches ... Jen Lilley being enthusiastic for you ... Why is Candace Cameron the hegemon? ... Crossover: Tremors, in this movie vs. 2012 ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Unambiguously no ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Everyone at ease in the same unreality ... Rating: A backdoor 3 ... Cranked the dial all the way to bread ... Letters to Santa: It turns out 9/11 happened ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Everyone is rich ... Kate Wagner and McMansion Hell Appreciation Station ... Squatter's rights ... Invisible giant engagement ring ... Voiceover priest ... Two copies of the college textbook ... I'm looking forward to hearing the wedding band ... Punk underground vs. Techno ... Not laughing in the writers' room ... PA in jeans at the wedding ... Thoughtless rich-people wedding invite ... Amazon peeling review ... Merry Christmas!... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Eggs and Sausage (In a Caddilac with Susan Michelson)," by Tom Waits •"Let's Roll," by Neil Young• All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

70 MINSEP 10
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066 - The Cheeseburger Address

065 - Day Drinking Through Dog Trauma

ESTACEY GOTSULIAS has comps and will travel for PUPPY LOVE (2012) and: A Parental Advisory from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME ...No regrets ... Jeb picked a turkey ... Actor athleticism ... Terminally predictable ... 18 minutes of abandonment and anxiety ... Collar foley work ... The Expositional Challenge: Called for rain ... How we bork the Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Jamie Moyer and John Franco's hospice ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Gail vs. Jake The Dog ... Darin Erstad dog comp ... Watching dog trauma ... Dogs are more three-dimensional than Hallmark plots ... Gail, a normal person ... Old person's name ... Eat Your Heart Out: Day-drinking; butt chugging; 50 pizza lies; Phoenix pizza; hand-tossed pizza comps; one pound of brie; stolen joint of meat; Candace Cameron's NY secret ... BREAK ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The Art Thou Botown Minor League Org Chart and Joe Theismann's Sports Agency vs. All Things Valentine radio trash talk vs. The Mariah Carey Long Island Ohio Expanded Universe ... Classic Lines: CandyCams' stiletto heels, Victor Webster's height, method shoe acting, a paper bag full of women's shoes, Wilpon/Wilpoff, piss-take $500 shoe design; not looking like a college professor ... Not the worst CandyCams performance, but ... Who falls for someone this brittle? ... Foosball, sure, but the house I don't buy ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: "Who settles for Megan?" vs. Gail punching holes in plot urgency vs. Where's my f*cking dog??? ... Crossover: Death Ship or Ghost Ship; Candace Cameron in The Running Man; Ryles, buddy comedy guy; not the guy who drinks your fat; Jerry Maguire, but with the Mets ... Intentional Talk ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Passes by letter, but not spirit; incredibly thoughtless tiger mom real-estate decisions ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Ryles or maybe Megan or maybe everybody ... The Great American Novel ... Leon Uris ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Kristin Stewart and Robert Pattinson ... Movie Rating: 1 ... The Leftovers: Totally struck out ... Where does Ryles live? ... Lambrusco Co. ... You gonna retire from old age soon? ... Moe, don't throw out those bobbleheads! ... Traded to New Jersey ... Hallmark's concept of the Disabled List ... Longing montage without longing ... Inland Empire-level pacing violations ... BREAK ... IMDB dive on Harvey Frost: Midnight Heat (1995), Tim Matheson, burly owner ... The Brittany Murphy Story ... My Secret Identity and Out of This World ... Steve Bacic, A Professor of Sports ... Aunt kisses and post-credits horniness ... German obedience school ... The Roanfield Post, Poegos in the Series, jump back to A2, money ruins sports and Prairie Chicken on the Field Has the Padres Crying Foul ... Never dated a player before ... Authentic Heineken ... Plugs ... Super Train ... Merry Christmas•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Baseball Boogie," by Mabel Scott • "Knock It out of the Park," by Sam and Dave • "Talkin' Baseball," by NancyBea Hefley•All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

87 MINAUG 22
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065 - Day Drinking Through Dog Trauma

064 - Are You Afraid of the Badge?

ESARA KATE WILKINSON meetsTHE CONVENIENT GROOM (2016) only to fall in love with: Our best friend Phylis ... THEME ... Dave is off tanning ... Fake spouses, a favorite thing ... Shakespeare tropes ... The Expositional Challenge ... Stone b*tch fake mother-in-law ... First-act cheater ... Confessing during technical difficulties ... Twentysomething with teen hairstyle love ... Mr. Lorelai Gilmore ... When we started liking it ... Vanessa Marcil Appreciation Station ... David Sutcliffe, delightfully in his sweet spot ... Rounding out the other characters ... Phylis, and a family of Canadian flashback TV show guests ... Larissa Albuquerque ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Zero ... Journalismism: Vlogger, not blogger; tripod videographer; this is not how book deals work; Pam, clueless; reply in comments; women watching vlogs in public spaces; Dr. Kate Lawrence, Ph.D. ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: A TON of food; 3 first-date red flags callback; staircase torment; FISH vs. HAM; inexplicable dinner; happy-face waffle; curry is awesome; 14 plums; housing unripe fruit; unidentifiable chicken roll; suspicious dietary restrictions; wedding charcuterie plate; close your mouth when you chew; takeout bailout ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: While You Were Sleeping echoes vs. A Pacific Northwest boating fatality ... LINK: Egregious home architecture ... You can't do blue material on a billiard table ... Overdetermined: None; getting choked up by a Hallmark movie; everything you've said about love is wrong; "mother-daughter talk"; bizarre giggling, Objectivist scoffing; bad bird sculpture; no explanation to be believed; married today ... BREAK ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: A technical success that works anyway ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Pam, a valueless automaton ... Rating: 4.5 ... Almost perfect, apart from the books and the mom ... The Leftovers: Pleasantly reading during TV time ... Are You Afraid of the Badge ... Chilling at home ... Keep Fuckin' That Chicken Files: Faux puns, phone seizure ... "You were with Bryan because you had no reason not to be" ... Be nice, internet people are brutal ... Merry Christmas ...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Speaking from the Heart," by Macho Man Randy Savage • The Newlywed Game Theme (1969) •All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

68 MINAUG 16
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064 - Are You Afraid of the Badge?

063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining

EWe go back to the CHRISTMAS LAND (2015) and: We will never forget our granddaughters ... You can't go out there and die ... THEME ... Monsoons and painter's scaffolding ... Picking Richard Karn, Maureen McCormick and Christmas tree farms ... Tree farms, Staten Island, egg nog ... Dave's yokel safari ... Jurassic Park ripple ... Luke MacFarland Appreciation Station ... The Mistletoe Promise callback ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot wrap-up ... Cooper, Cobbler, Baker, Apothecary ... Two lawyers, first in class, failed in Contracts ... Implied, oral, incomplete ... Hallmark Goodfellas ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Glinda the Good Grandma vs. Jules herself ... Did you fight in the Scone Wars? ... Check out the barn on that one ... Eat Your Heart Out: Uncle pancakes, just a guy with pancakes, bathrobe-cult culture, actual cocktail, red-wine waterglass, live drillin', Thomas á Becket, cupcake abundance, collapsing roof ... Italian grief food amounts ... Artisanal barn cocktails ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: The County of Christmas Land and Free Cities of Potemkin Christmas Villages vs. The greater Chicago/Midwestern Christmas blob ... Our Hallmark book written periodically in Elvish ... Something that sounds like Welsh ... BREAK ... Letters to Santa: Unacceptable, envisioning The Worst Idea of All Time, thought Shaq would be bigger, The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test ... Hallmark courtroom tactics ... Overdetermined: "I know what you're doing," angelic reaffirmation, Tucker's anti-metropolitan heel turn, exes can share New York, almost everything you need is here ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Heck no, but...; general good-plot and Bechdel correlation even on Hallmark; "fecundity" ... Rating: 3, benignly and maybe ideally ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Encyclopedia of Pines ... Christmas Beef Lot: Good selection, unorganized by species or height/price tier, silly prices, insane competition, soak it in ice water ... Frankin' a dook ... "Scrooge" reappearance ... Mitchell: Hallmark dick boyfriend taken to unethical levels ... $850,000 to sell coffee on a single block ... Four retirees, $450,000, and an uncle with 4" of bank-billed Benjamins ... Nikki DeLoach, Erin Grey, Twiki ... Real Season 2 Buck Rogers Hours ... Nikki DeLoach Appreciation Station ... VHS softcore in the mall CD store ... Sam Earvin, Acting on Impulse, and: Linda Fiorentino, Nancy Allen, C. Thomas Howell, Adam Ant, Isaac Hayes, etc. ... Four Cassandra Peterson movies, but only one Elvira ... Santico ... Jamarcus Russell, Charlie Weis, and the 2007 All-State Sugar Bowl ...Merry Christmas ... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Then He Kissed Me," by The Crystals •"Tri," by Y Niwl • "Trees," by Joyce Kilmer and Oscar Rosbach, performed by Ben Selvin and his Orchestra • All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

71 MINAUG 9
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063 - The Encyclopedia of Pining

062 - The Piglet Level Is Just Rising

ESARAH D. BUNTING's back, and we're gonna get in corrals for 2016's LOVE IN PARADISE and: Pomeranian ... THEME ... Unprepared to get worked up about Luke Perry ... The bone-marrow level of Luke Perry pop-culture weight ... Erred on the side of Priestley ... A very generous actor and good dude ... "We shoulda taken him more seriously" ... You can legally punch Brian Austin Greene ... The Luke Perry Kidding-The-Material Rating ... The face does the work ... Two 90210 eras ... I got the job squinting ... BREAK ... The Expositional Challenge: Professionalism defined ... Plot mop-up: How is he doing ranch events; exposed by a high-school journalist; Max Headroom, Large Animal Doctor; Michael Moriarty; you gotta keep beefing with Janet Reno; coastal ex ... "This was not bad" ... A rustler named "Guthrie"? ... A qualitative difference in one-off movies ... The Wedding March: Failing to wink at bio material ... Surprisingly tart (Pompeii), surprisingly sexual (barn) ... Exchanging butt glances ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Curly the Pig, Familiar ... Murder by Death callback ... The pig *is* the Pomeranian ... Farmer Lev's Pastoral Hoedown: The binary opposition throughout history; red states, Harlequin, Dreiser and Lewis; Yankee fan in Montana with fake crickets; steak, chili and blueberry pie; "city slicker"; desaturated apartment; unlicensed to drive; comparing scars; Pomeranian pillow ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Sushi and Food Network; pre-cool my steak, thanks; chili cook-off; farties fuel, Nora! ... Hallmark Expanded Universe: Wedding March, 1885 vs. Inventory exchange among failing dude ranches ... Overdetermined: Max Headroom's "It's the H-H-Heart" vs. That's not how trails work ... Health food store creepin' ... Crossover: SVU investigating on-set of Aim to Please and the squint-off vs. Home Is Where the H-H-Heart is vs. Max Headroom answering bunnies vs. The Magnificent One vs. Avery Ford, Humane Westworlder ... Again with This note: Working Shadowcaster ... The Grand Unifying Theory of Munch ... BREAK ... Rating: 4.5 ... Mamas Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Guthries ... Take Heather's story out of her father's mouth ... Make Heather's ex Guthrie ... The Leftovers: Seeing a man about a TV ... Bundy toilet ... Saying the name of the movie in the movie ... "You wouldn't know him, he's Canadian" ... Young Tom Steyer: I'm Guthrie, and I learned my lesson ... I reversed a crime with the exact skills you taught me! ... Young Luke Perry impressionist ... Buttercup ... Logrolling in our time ... Merry Christmas... •MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Theme from Beverly Hills 90210," by John Davis•All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

75 MINJUL 25
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062 - The Piglet Level Is Just Rising

061 - Gail Is the Haint

ESARA KATE WILKINSON gets sent to CHRISTMAS CAMP (2018) to learn: All these people are dead ... THEME ... Ready for Christmas in July ... Can't find this movie ... Normie Hallmark Facebook ... Inert but fascinating ... A delightful vision of organized cabin fever ... Adults at camp ... Not taking work seriously ... The book isn't better ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes ... Bobby Campo IRL ... Greg Evigan's daughter ... Krampus as himself ... The most goth Hallmark character to date ... The hard Hallmark script schedule ... Hyperkinetic opening scene, then constant claustrophobia ... Christmas cult brochure ... Booming Ben as Ken Howard ... David Lynch-ass blocking and set decoration ... BREAK ... Plot in 30 Minutes (Cont.) ... Meet Jeff, camp drifter ... The Christmas Camp Checklist/Certificate ... BJGSSHIC ... Ian and Susie, dumb as hell ... Mike Budenholzer and Billy Donovan ... Hainted Gail and Troop Ryan ... Harold Pinter's The Birthday Party ... Brechtian snow ... Charlie Brown-ass tree ... Snowball-target affirmations ... Met at the wharf ... Franchise camp ... First rational Hallmark quit ... Dating app, troop return ... Gail and Ryan are ghosts ... BREAK ... Spot the Angel: Krampus; Dog possessed by haints?; "Give away products"; John, Blake and Madison, magically non-white, unhelped ... Eat Your Heart Out: All-carb breakfast; turn an oven on; buffalo-wing compromise; no-surprise baby announcement ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Gail downloads Mingle All the Way vs. Watching Chase Taynor choke for Botown ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: No...??? ... Aimless, inconsistent but contextually logical ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Finally, a heroine who gets promoted and returns to the big city; Haley shows no interest in dating; blowing off a coat; she doesn't pursue him; spontaneous desire to be Mom & Dad; bringing ornaments to camp ... Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 1 ... Rating: 2.5 ... Embracing Lynch and Gail as a haint ... Maybe they're all dead ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: Your Groupcycle class ... "A go-getter" ... Stevie Nicks Camp ... The Rebranding of the Puffin Hotel ... Pipe burst? Take your time ... Side entrance, fake entrance, deformed house, and a demon greeting elf ... Do you wanna go inside? ... Never forget WHAT, Jeb? ... Naval captain wine glasses ... Validating yourself too much through work ... Yeeaaahhhh, buuuuuddy ... Telling my boss my boss is killing me ... Merry Christmas ...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather • "Laura Palmer's Theme," by Angelo Badalamenti •All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

81 MINJUL 19
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061 - Gail Is the Haint

060 - Horse Whisperer Has Come Unstuck in Time

EWe're horsing around for eternity with VALENTINE EVER AFTER (2016) and doing unpaid labor on: A dude ranch ... THEME ... Knee calipers ... Going in optimistic ... Eric Johnson Appreciation Station ... Cast rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot mop-up: Rock-mount failure; dude ranch; hospital raffle ... Alana Smithee, or Alana Smithee? ... Heavy tropery and peak overdeterminism ... BREAK ... Journalismism: One perfect catastrophe of news layout; Hyphen Stanheight; Hello, mako; Rahm Emanuel ... Fleeing Chad ... Spot the Angel: Probably angel-free vs. a very Twin Peaks judge ... Funding MRAPs through the recession ... Lindsay Anderson's "Mission to Christmas" ... Nigel Bennett's IMDB ... Casual slave labor ... Razzing a Hallmark cop ... Fogel, Engerman and Hallmark cliometrics ... BREAK ... Eat Your Heart Out: Beef stew, Cowboy Bar and Cadillac Restaurant; carb-dating Hallmark movies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Please remind us to bring back old bits; Chicago, The Radcliffe Center and your donor base; build the Hallmark wiki; Kitten's billion-dollar fund; James Brolin's ranch ... Paul Auster's New York Trilogy ... Jerry Lewis's Clown Holocaust ... BREAK ... Overdetermined: Dad's immediate, relentless info-dump; the character-development efficiencies of early exposition vs. PEAK info-dump, plot recap and foreshadowing vs. Incredibly overdetermined Colbie Caillat ... Rapping end-credit plot summaries ... Puff Daddy, KRS-One and Bobby Brown ... iZombie whips ... BREAK ... Crossover: Gavin Learning about himself in David Mamet's The Edge vs. "Ben Thomas has come unstuck in The Horse Whisperer" ... The Hallmark Bechdel Test: Easily succeeds but maybe totally doesn't ... Partner Chat: Kate face-pulling; carb-free biscuits ... Rating: 4 ... Structurally bad but nimbly leaning into it ... "Metropolitan" ladies ... Outstanding leads ... Mom Lily as shrewd, tough, wise and worthy of embodying a compliment ... Gavin Stanheight's legitimate anger/heartache ... Awful, last-minute quit ... Organic trauma-swap ... BREAK ... The Leftovers: The Girlfriend Experience ... Population density of Wyoming ... Hallmark's The Terror ... Cemetery Man callback ... Edgar Allan Poe-ass statue ... City Girl can sometimes ride ... Don McBrearty: "Gay or Straight, Is There A Choice?" ... Look how cute this horse is ... Turning off my ringer ... First-ever Hallmark c*ckblock ... Police escort for landowners ... Child interruption ... Merry Christmas...•MUSIC:"FuckYouIfYouDon'tLikeChristmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather •"Generique Assault," by KRS-One •"On Our Own," by Bobby Brown •• All other music by Chris Collingwood of LookPark and FountainsofWayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane

78 MINJUL 12
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060 - Horse Whisperer Has Come Unstuck in Time