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Gymkommentary!

Chris Moreno and Matt Singer

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Gymkommentary!
Gymkommentary!

Gymkommentary!

Chris Moreno and Matt Singer

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About Us

Fan Commentaries From the Peanut Gallery

Latest Episodes

GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

EEvery saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) Director: George Lucas Runtime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it) Genre: Disgraceful Prequel Stars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman Rated: PG for Sci-Fi/Action Violence, Mild Gungan Profanity, and Crimes Against a Generation's Collective Childhood. IMDb, Wikipedia, Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Phantom Menace A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away two men decided to embark upon a great quest: to do fan commentary tracks for all six episodes of Star Wars. We begin with The Phantom Menace, which just happens to be coming back to theaters on February 10, and in price-and-eye-gouging 3D. We here at Gymkommentary do not recommend you pay $18 to see Episode I, but if you have to, see it with us. We'll share your frustration through the interminable discussions of trade routes and taxatio...

-1 s2012 JAN 30
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GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

EGo ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go! No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something. The Tale of the Tape Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983) Director: Sam Firstenberg Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ninja Revenge Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner. IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie Reviews To get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary As you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're g...

-1 s2011 NOV 28
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GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

EA lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me: THIS ONE. The Tale of the Tape Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007) Director: Chris Sivertson Runtime: 105 minutes Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever. IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me" To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visual...

-1 s2011 JUN 17
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GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

EStar Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before. Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) Director: Robert Wise Runtime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut") Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven" Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future. IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Po...

-1 s2010 OCT 15
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GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

EThe Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them. (OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.) (In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.) (We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.) The Tale of the Tape Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) Director: Gavin Hood Runtime: 107 minutes Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Nam...

-1 s2010 APR 22
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GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

EThey are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement. And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs. The Tale of the Tape Film: Righteous Kill (2008) Director: Jon Avnet Runtime: 101 minutes Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your as...

-1 s2010 MAR 1
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GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

EMerriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state." Merriam-Webster can go eff himself. Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Stabilizer (1986) Director: Arizal Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open i...

-1 s2010 FEB 1
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GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

ESilent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks. The Tale of the Tape Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) Director: Ace Hannah Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie Stars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" Chao Rated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad Attitude IMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized Airplane To get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Based on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade a...

-1 s2010 JAN 3
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GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

ELike Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned! The Tale of the Tape Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) Director: Mic Rodgers Runtime: 82 minutes Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley Rated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip Club IMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove" To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Yes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

-1 s2009 AUG 27
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GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King

EHe killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Scorpion King (2002) Director: Chuck Russell Runtime: 92 minutes Genre: Sandalsploitation Stars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter Facinelli Rated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atrocious White Man Dreadlocks, and Scenes of A Dude Claiming to Invent Things He Didn't Actually Invent. IMDb, Wikipedia, Create Your Own The Rock Wrestling Outfit To get this THE SCORPION KING GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary On this Gymkommentary, the actor formerly known as the wrestler The Rock makes the movie formerly known as Conan the Barbarian. Yes, swords, sandals, and sorcery: this movie has it all. Or at least all that Conan had. But it's fun anyway. Oh and if you can smell what The Rock is cooking, consult y...

-1 s2009 JUL 30
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King

Latest Episodes

GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

EEvery saga has a beginning. A confusing, boring, vaguely racist beginning. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace (1999) Director: George Lucas Runtime: 500 million minutes (or 136 minutes; hard to say when you're watching it) Genre: Disgraceful Prequel Stars: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman Rated: PG for Sci-Fi/Action Violence, Mild Gungan Profanity, and Crimes Against a Generation's Collective Childhood. IMDb, Wikipedia, Jake Lloyd: Ten Years After Phantom Menace A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away two men decided to embark upon a great quest: to do fan commentary tracks for all six episodes of Star Wars. We begin with The Phantom Menace, which just happens to be coming back to theaters on February 10, and in price-and-eye-gouging 3D. We here at Gymkommentary do not recommend you pay $18 to see Episode I, but if you have to, see it with us. We'll share your frustration through the interminable discussions of trade routes and taxatio...

-1 s2012 JAN 30
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #16: Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace

GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

EGo ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go ninja go ninja go! Go go go go! No seriously: GO. You suck. No, you can't have a ride home. I don't care. Take the bus or something. The Tale of the Tape Film: Revenge of the Ninja (1983) Director: Sam Firstenberg Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ninja Revenge Stars: Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Throwing Stars Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Lazy Italian and Japanese Stereotypes, Pantsless Karate Fights, and Excessive Guyliner. IMDb, Wikipedia, Ninja Movie Reviews To get this REVENGE OF THE NINJA GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary As you'll hear, Chris and I are somewhat skeptical of this film's title. It's Revenge of the Ninja, and you've got Ninja Movie Hall of Famer Sho Kosugi getting revenge on the dudes who killed his family. Simple right? Wrong. The dudes who killed Sho's family are ninjas, and it looks like they're g...

-1 s2011 NOV 28
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #15: Revenge of the Ninja

GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

EA lot of the movies we cover on Gymkommentary are torture to watch. But we've never really tried doing this with something billed as torture porn. Now I don't know who killed me, but I do know what movie almost killed me: THIS ONE. The Tale of the Tape Film: I Know Who Killed Me (2007) Director: Chris Sivertson Runtime: 105 minutes Genre: Softcore (Torture) Porn Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Neal McDonough, Julia Ormond, The Color Blue Rated: R for Extremely Unappealing Slow-Motion Stripteases, Graphic Behandings, and The Most Violent Glass Blowing Enthusiast Ever. IMDb, Wikipedia, "A Modern Masterpiece: I Know Who Killed Me" To get this I KNOW WHO KILLED ME GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Y'know how hack critics will go "This movie has it all!" Well I Know Who Killed Me has it none. Bad acting, atrocious dialogue, laughable plot twists, and David Lynch-lite visual...

-1 s2011 JUN 17
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #14: I Know Who Killed Me

GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

EStar Trek movies. The final frontier. These are the commentary tracks of the website Gymkommentary. Its continuing mission: to make fun of terrible films, to seek out new cinematic garbage and new celluloid travesties. To boldly mock where we're pretty sure at least a couple others have mocked before. Now just hum the TOS theme as you read through the rest of this. The Tale of the Tape Film: Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) Director: Robert Wise Runtime: 136 minutes (The "Shockingly Indulgent Edition" "Director's Cut") Genre: Slow-Moving Sci-Fi Stars: William Shatner, Leonard Nimoy, DeForest Kelley, All Those Other Guys From "Star Trek" Plus The Dad From "7th Heaven" Rated: PG for Intense Phaser Violence, Graphic Kolinahr, Scenes of Masturbation (By the Special Effects Department), Crimes Against Fashion of the Future. IMDb, Wikipedia, The Worst of Trek To get this STAR TREK: THE MOTION PICTURE GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Po...

-1 s2010 OCT 15
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #13: Star Trek: The Motion Picture

GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

EThe Gymkommentarians. They're the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them. (OK, yes, well technically, there's a bunch of other people who are better at it, and who make a nice living doing it. But given the fact that Matt and Chris both have day jobs, significant others, and lives, and do this for free around all that other stuff, they're really not that bad at it.) (In fact, now that I think about it, maybe they are the best there is at what they do. And what they do is watch crummy movies and make fun of them when their busy schedules and very patient loved ones allow.) (We can all agree on that, right? I mean that's not reaching too far. I'm gonna move on.) The Tale of the Tape Film: X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) Director: Gavin Hood Runtime: 107 minutes Genre: Pointless Yet Pointy Prequel Stars: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will.I.Am, Lynn Collins Rated: PG-13 for Intense Sideburns, Repeated Screams of the Nam...

-1 s2010 APR 22
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #12: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

EThey are the two greatest actors of their generation. And in 2008, as the culmination of legendary, Academy Award-winning careers, they had their finest achievement. And by their finest achievement I mean their most unintentionally hilarious movie of either of their careers. That's how we measure achievement around here on Gymkommentary: DIY laughs. The Tale of the Tape Film: Righteous Kill (2008) Director: Jon Avnet Runtime: 101 minutes Genre: Geriatric Cop Thriller Stars: Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, 50 Cent, Carla Gugino, Brian Dennehy Rated: R for Graphic Violence, Sequences of Intense Boredom, and Weird, Sadomasochistic Sex Scenes Involving a Shirtless Robert De Niro IMDb, Wikipedia, A Japanese Man Recreates Pacino's Speech From City Hall To get this RIGHTEOUS KILL GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Look, I get it. You can't feed your family, or pay your as...

-1 s2010 MAR 1
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #11: Righteous Kill

GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

EMerriam-Webster defines a stabilizer as "a substance added to another substance or to a system (as an emulsion) to prevent or retard an unwanted alteration of physical state." Merriam-Webster can go eff himself. Wait, is Merriam-Webster two dudes or one dude with one of those hyphenated last names? Either way, he she or they can go screw. This here is one stabilizer who will NOT stabilize things. He will do the opposite of what the dictionary calls stabilization, then call it stabilization, and make you like it. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Stabilizer (1986) Director: Arizal Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Excessively Violent Action Movie Stars: Peter O'Brian, Craig Gavin, Indonesian Mr. T, Gillie Beanz Rated: Unrated for Intense, Over-the-top, Borderline Reckless Violence, Mild Buttcrack Nudity That's Actually Just a Guy's Shoulder, A Scene of Graphic Lizard Eating IMDb, Wikipedia, The Peter O'Brian Facebook Fan Club To get this THE STABILIZER GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open i...

-1 s2010 FEB 1
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #10: The Stabilizer

GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

ESilent for much of the second half of 2009, Gymkommentary returns to kick off 2010 with a vengeance! No, we're not doing Die Hard With a Vengeance. Please stop being more clever than us. Thanks. The Tale of the Tape Film: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) Director: Ace Hannah Runtime: 90 minutes Genre: Ultra-Cheapo Monster Movie Stars: Deborah "Debbie" Gibson, Lorenzo "Renegade" Lamas, Vic "I Wish I Had a Nickname" Chao Rated: R for Science-y Sex Scenes, Blatant Misrepresentations of Military Procedure, and Lorenzo Lamas' Bad Attitude IMDb, Wikipedia, Mega Shark Vs. Normal Sized Airplane To get this MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Based on a chilling true story the screenwriter heard from a hobo sleeping outside Port Authority, this week's Gymkommentary is filled with the terrors of the deep, the horrors of sub B-grade a...

-1 s2010 JAN 3
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #9: Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus

GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

ELike Jean-Claude Van Damme, Grover Cleveland, or that case of herpes you got in Sausalito, Gymkommentary has returned! The Tale of the Tape Film: Universal Soldier: The Return (1999) Director: Mic Rodgers Runtime: 82 minutes Genre: Needless Action Franchise Prolonger Stars: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Michael Jai White, Heidi Schanz, Xander Berkeley Rated: R for Excessive Male Grunting, Blatant HAL 9000 ripoffs, and A Totally Gratuitous Scene in a Strip Club IMDb, Wikipedia, Michael Jai White's "Private Alcove" To get this UNIVERSAL SOLDIER: THE RETURN GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary Yes, JCVD is back. And he brought his spin kicks, that big knot on his forehead, and some new pals including pro wrestler Bill "Goldberg" Goldberg for Universal Soldier Colon The Return. Wait is the colon supposed to be silent? Eh, whatever.

-1 s2009 AUG 27
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #8: Universal Soldier: The Return

GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King

EHe killed Babylonians. He killed Mesopotamians. But he was no match for: Gymkommentarians. The Tale of the Tape Film: The Scorpion King (2002) Director: Chuck Russell Runtime: 92 minutes Genre: Sandalsploitation Stars: The Rock, Steven Brand, Michael Clarke Duncan, Kelly Hu, Peter Facinelli Rated: PG-13 for Mild Sword Violence Without Blood, Atrocious White Man Dreadlocks, and Scenes of A Dude Claiming to Invent Things He Didn't Actually Invent. IMDb, Wikipedia, Create Your Own The Rock Wrestling Outfit To get this THE SCORPION KING GYMKOMMENTARY FILE in your iTunes, open iTunes then go "Advanced" to "Subscribe to Podcast" and then enter this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/gymkommentary On this Gymkommentary, the actor formerly known as the wrestler The Rock makes the movie formerly known as Conan the Barbarian. Yes, swords, sandals, and sorcery: this movie has it all. Or at least all that Conan had. But it's fun anyway. Oh and if you can smell what The Rock is cooking, consult y...

-1 s2009 JUL 30
Comments
GYMKOMMENTARY #7: The Scorpion King