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A Pillock's Guide To British History

21st Century Pillock

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A Pillock's Guide To British History

A Pillock's Guide To British History

21st Century Pillock

2
Followers
2
Plays
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Latest Episodes

1 | Why Julius Caesar Invaded Britain | The One With Greedy Romans

ERoman Britain might have kicked off in 55 BC when Julius Caesar planned his invasion. Why exactly did Julius and his Roman friends want to invade Britain? It turns ancient political leaders are just as selfish and twatty as their modern descendants. This episode goes over the reasons that the Romans wanted to launch that important era of British history; Roman Britan. Transcript – Julius Caesar & Britain In our first episode of the history of Britain, we look at Rome’s first crack at taking over the British Isles. Rome was founded in 753 BC, but it wasn't until 55 BC that they found themselves at the English Channel looking over and thinking, 'fuck it' we might as well have that bit as well. And the bloke doing that high-quality strategic thinking was non-other than Julius Caesar. He wasn't at the height of his powers in 55 BC, and frankly, he bollocksed the whole thing up. Before we stick the boot into one of the most famous generals in history, let’s look at why Rome fancied at...

7 MIN2017 NOV 27
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1 | Why Julius Caesar Invaded Britain | The One With Greedy Romans

1.1 | Britain Before The Romans | The One With Loving Europe

EThe Romans may have turned up in Britain in 55 BC to civilise Briton heathens, who were presumably doing fine without them. But who exactly was knocking about in Britain? Windmill People, Celts, Beaker People and shit loadsof other folks, that’s who. Find out about them with this podcast. Here is the Amesbury Archer, the remains of a Beaker People person, buried with his nice stuff, including some arrowheads: And here is one of the Beaker People’s Beakers. It seems sad that a civilisation is known for their fondness for a household object, but to be fair they are pretty nice beakers: Transcript – Britain Before The Romans So we started in our last episode looking at why the Romans would want to invade Britain, but what exactly had been happening in Britain before that? Well since Julius Caesar had a go at Britain in 55 BC and history is loads longer than that, quite a bit. Humans were knocking about in Africa around 200,000 years ago, but they didn’t make it to what is now Brita...

8 MIN2017 NOV 30
Comments
1.1 | Britain Before The Romans | The One With Loving Europe

2 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The First Time) | The One With The British Weather

EJulius Caesar turns up in Britain for the first time. How did he plan it? How many men did he take? Is he a massive wuss? Answers: badly, loads, probably not Transcript – Julius Organises and Invades (55 BC) | The One With The British Weather In our last episode of The History of Britain, we had a look at why the Romans would want to add Britain to the ever-expanding Roman territory. In this one, we will look at how one of the most famous generals in history went about doing that. Julius and his friends landed in Britain in 55 BC, but he had wanted to visit in 56 BC. What stopping him invading then, was some pesky Gauls. The Gauls in question were the Veneti from the Armorican peninsula, which is Britanny in France. They kicked off and Julius had to head on over and put them in their place. This wasn't as simple as it might have been because the Veneti were pretty good sailors, and as we mentioned last week, the Romans really weren't used to the English Channel and Atlantic. This d...

11 MIN2017 DEC 6
Comments
2 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The First Time) | The One With The British Weather

2.1 | Roman Expansion Before 55 BC | The One Where They Fight Everybody

EA look at how the Romans expanded from a settlement on a hill to being ready to have a go at messing up Celtic Britain. Transcript – What the Romans had been up to So we know the Roman army hit British shores in 55 BC, but how did they find themselves there. Rome officially started life in 753 BC, it doesn’t seem likely that’s an exact date for the founding. It looks like later Romans took the, make it sound specific and it'll sound right approach. The founding myth of the city is mental. You have probably heard of Romulus and Remus, but there is one version of it we hadn’t heard. So Romulus and Remus were abandoned as children. They were found by wolves and delivered to a shepherd to bring them up. When they were older they decided to found themselves a city. They picked the rough spot, but couldn’t agree on what hill to start. They couldn't agree so Romulus killed Remus and founded Rome on his favoured Palatine Hill. It was very much the dark side of town planning. Also, Who ...

14 MIN2017 DEC 20
Comments
2.1 | Roman Expansion Before 55 BC | The One Where They Fight Everybody

3 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The Second Time) | The One With The Sort Of Victory

EFollowing his first invasion in 55 BC, which he bollocksed up, would Julius’ second invasion in 54 BC go any better? Sort of, yeah. Both he and the Britons have a better showing this time. Transcript – Julius Has A Second Go At Britain | The One With The Sort Of Victory If you remember our earlier episode, Julius Caesar turned up and attacked some of the tribes in South East England in 55. He won, but it was a bit of a farce. Julius obviously knew this and decided to have another go as soon as possible in 54 BC. And to be fair to old Julius, he acknowledged the things he had messed up in and had a go at doing them better. The first example of that would be the number of men he decided to take. As we mentioned before, the 55 BC attempt may have been a bit of expedition, rather than a proper invasion. This time, it looked like he meant it. Instead of the mere 10,000 men from 55 BC, the 54 go involved 25,000 men. He has also learnt his lesson regarding those cool chariots the Britons...

24 MIN2017 DEC 28
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3 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The Second Time) | The One With The Sort Of Victory

3.1 | The End Of The Roman Republic | The One Where Julius Breaks Society

EWhat happened to Julius and the Roman Republic after he invaded Britain? Quite a lot. Including a few civil wars and a shiny new Empire. Transcript – The End Of The Roman Republic We have spent a couple of episodes of our History of Britain with Julius Caesar. He features a bit in British history, but he was a bit more important for Rome. He was a massive nail in the coffin of the Roman Republic and brought about the Roman Empire. It doesn’t sound like a massive difference, but if you think about how that would go down now you get a better picture of it. The Roman Republic was ran a bit similar to a modern democracy. There was the Consuls, who were like Presidents or Prime Minister, the Senate who were like an Upper House similar to the American Senate and Assemblies where normal folk could get involved, like the House of Commons. In theory, this meant that Rome was run by its people. The move to an Empire meant that the place was run by one bloke, no matter how mad he was. Our po...

20 MIN2018 JAN 5
Comments
3.1 | The End Of The Roman Republic | The One Where Julius Breaks Society

4 | Britain Between Julius & Claudius - The One Where No One Invades

EJulius left Britain after invading twice and he didn’t come back. What happened in the place after that? It’s all a bit fuzzy, but one thing we can know is that no bugger did any exciting invading. Find out how exactly they didn’t invade here. Transcript – Britannia after Julius Caesar This episode spans from 54 BC all the way to 40 AD, a mere 86 years, but is very very short. You can't ignore that this could be because we are lazy, our excuse is that there wasn't very much written down about what was going on in Britain. As we have mentioned before the Celts were not big on writing and for the Romans, Britain was still an island at the edge of the world. They had more important stuff to be worried about. Julius Caesar had invaded Britain, twice. And claimed victory, twice. When he left the second time, he didn't return. It's not easy to figure out what Julius plan for Britain had been. Were his two visits just a couple of quick expeditions to slap down some local nuisances and ...

9 MIN2018 JAN 12
Comments
4 | Britain Between Julius & Claudius - The One Where No One Invades

4.1 | Rome Between Julius Caesar And Claudius - The One With Terrible Emperors

EJulius died and left the place in disarray. Octavian picks up the pieces and treats Rome to yet another civil war or two. The folk who survive that, have to put up with a bad paranoid emperor and a bad mentally unstable emperor. It’s all gone to shit. Transcript – Rome Between Julius and Claudius When Julius Caesar died it kicked off a problem that hasn’t really been a massive issue in Rome for a while. Who was meant to be in charge now? In theory, when Rome was a Republic, the Consuls ran the place. They only had the job for a year, and if they died they could just wait until another one was elected. In the meantime, there were always two consuls, so there was a handy spare. When they became the Roman Empire, the logic was that there would already be an heir in place so everyone knew who that would be. It wasn't always that simple, as we will find out in later episodes, but that was the theory. Julius kicked off a weird in-between period, where it wasn't too obvious what was hap...

21 MIN2018 JAN 29
Comments
4.1 | Rome Between Julius Caesar And Claudius - The One With Terrible Emperors

5 | Claudius Invades Britain - The One Where They Finally Get It Done

EThere is a new emperor in town, and Claudius wants a piece of Britain. Finally. We were starting to think it was something we said. So why did Claudius finally get it done properly? How did he get it done? Was he a master of PR? Transcript – Claudius Invades Britain. The One Where They Finally Get It Done. By this point in our history of Britain, the Romans have been thinking about taking over the British Isles for nearly 100 years. We've had Julius Caesar turning up in Britain, as a proper token effort, to make people think he was doing important stuff. We've had Augustus putting us on a to do list, with the best of intentions, but ultimately being distracted by something shiny. Then we have had Caligula looking like he was going to achieve something, but really being too shit. Anyone who has ever had an office job will completely understand. This week we ask ourselves, why would Romans bother with Britain? what can a physically disabled bloke can do to look hard? And is the only ...

20 MIN2018 FEB 4
Comments
5 | Claudius Invades Britain - The One Where They Finally Get It Done

5.1 | Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air

EHas Rome got actually got themselves a decent Roman Emperor? Not only an effective Emperor but one who doesn’t cause a civil war every 5 minutes? Don’t get too excited though, it wasn’t all beer and skittles in Claudius’ Rome. Transcript – Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air Our last history of Britain episode we went over Claudius and what he wanted everyone to think was his invasion of Britain. In this companion episode we ask ourselves can a Roman Emperor ever be anything other than a nightmare for the Romans? What sort of bloke gets married four times? And what's wrong with the alphabet? Part One – The Expansion We know that Claudius came to become Emperor in slightly shady circumstances in 41 AD, and we know he sort of, but didn’t really, invade Britain in 43. He was Emperor until 54, so what was going on in the Empire in the 13 years he was in charge. One thing he did was expand the empire, and not just trying to gain control of what is obvio...

18 MIN2018 FEB 16
Comments
5.1 | Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air

Latest Episodes

1 | Why Julius Caesar Invaded Britain | The One With Greedy Romans

ERoman Britain might have kicked off in 55 BC when Julius Caesar planned his invasion. Why exactly did Julius and his Roman friends want to invade Britain? It turns ancient political leaders are just as selfish and twatty as their modern descendants. This episode goes over the reasons that the Romans wanted to launch that important era of British history; Roman Britan. Transcript – Julius Caesar & Britain In our first episode of the history of Britain, we look at Rome’s first crack at taking over the British Isles. Rome was founded in 753 BC, but it wasn't until 55 BC that they found themselves at the English Channel looking over and thinking, 'fuck it' we might as well have that bit as well. And the bloke doing that high-quality strategic thinking was non-other than Julius Caesar. He wasn't at the height of his powers in 55 BC, and frankly, he bollocksed the whole thing up. Before we stick the boot into one of the most famous generals in history, let’s look at why Rome fancied at...

7 MIN2017 NOV 27
Comments
1 | Why Julius Caesar Invaded Britain | The One With Greedy Romans

1.1 | Britain Before The Romans | The One With Loving Europe

EThe Romans may have turned up in Britain in 55 BC to civilise Briton heathens, who were presumably doing fine without them. But who exactly was knocking about in Britain? Windmill People, Celts, Beaker People and shit loadsof other folks, that’s who. Find out about them with this podcast. Here is the Amesbury Archer, the remains of a Beaker People person, buried with his nice stuff, including some arrowheads: And here is one of the Beaker People’s Beakers. It seems sad that a civilisation is known for their fondness for a household object, but to be fair they are pretty nice beakers: Transcript – Britain Before The Romans So we started in our last episode looking at why the Romans would want to invade Britain, but what exactly had been happening in Britain before that? Well since Julius Caesar had a go at Britain in 55 BC and history is loads longer than that, quite a bit. Humans were knocking about in Africa around 200,000 years ago, but they didn’t make it to what is now Brita...

8 MIN2017 NOV 30
Comments
1.1 | Britain Before The Romans | The One With Loving Europe

2 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The First Time) | The One With The British Weather

EJulius Caesar turns up in Britain for the first time. How did he plan it? How many men did he take? Is he a massive wuss? Answers: badly, loads, probably not Transcript – Julius Organises and Invades (55 BC) | The One With The British Weather In our last episode of The History of Britain, we had a look at why the Romans would want to add Britain to the ever-expanding Roman territory. In this one, we will look at how one of the most famous generals in history went about doing that. Julius and his friends landed in Britain in 55 BC, but he had wanted to visit in 56 BC. What stopping him invading then, was some pesky Gauls. The Gauls in question were the Veneti from the Armorican peninsula, which is Britanny in France. They kicked off and Julius had to head on over and put them in their place. This wasn't as simple as it might have been because the Veneti were pretty good sailors, and as we mentioned last week, the Romans really weren't used to the English Channel and Atlantic. This d...

11 MIN2017 DEC 6
Comments
2 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The First Time) | The One With The British Weather

2.1 | Roman Expansion Before 55 BC | The One Where They Fight Everybody

EA look at how the Romans expanded from a settlement on a hill to being ready to have a go at messing up Celtic Britain. Transcript – What the Romans had been up to So we know the Roman army hit British shores in 55 BC, but how did they find themselves there. Rome officially started life in 753 BC, it doesn’t seem likely that’s an exact date for the founding. It looks like later Romans took the, make it sound specific and it'll sound right approach. The founding myth of the city is mental. You have probably heard of Romulus and Remus, but there is one version of it we hadn’t heard. So Romulus and Remus were abandoned as children. They were found by wolves and delivered to a shepherd to bring them up. When they were older they decided to found themselves a city. They picked the rough spot, but couldn’t agree on what hill to start. They couldn't agree so Romulus killed Remus and founded Rome on his favoured Palatine Hill. It was very much the dark side of town planning. Also, Who ...

14 MIN2017 DEC 20
Comments
2.1 | Roman Expansion Before 55 BC | The One Where They Fight Everybody

3 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The Second Time) | The One With The Sort Of Victory

EFollowing his first invasion in 55 BC, which he bollocksed up, would Julius’ second invasion in 54 BC go any better? Sort of, yeah. Both he and the Britons have a better showing this time. Transcript – Julius Has A Second Go At Britain | The One With The Sort Of Victory If you remember our earlier episode, Julius Caesar turned up and attacked some of the tribes in South East England in 55. He won, but it was a bit of a farce. Julius obviously knew this and decided to have another go as soon as possible in 54 BC. And to be fair to old Julius, he acknowledged the things he had messed up in and had a go at doing them better. The first example of that would be the number of men he decided to take. As we mentioned before, the 55 BC attempt may have been a bit of expedition, rather than a proper invasion. This time, it looked like he meant it. Instead of the mere 10,000 men from 55 BC, the 54 go involved 25,000 men. He has also learnt his lesson regarding those cool chariots the Britons...

24 MIN2017 DEC 28
Comments
3 | Julius Caesar Invades Britain (The Second Time) | The One With The Sort Of Victory

3.1 | The End Of The Roman Republic | The One Where Julius Breaks Society

EWhat happened to Julius and the Roman Republic after he invaded Britain? Quite a lot. Including a few civil wars and a shiny new Empire. Transcript – The End Of The Roman Republic We have spent a couple of episodes of our History of Britain with Julius Caesar. He features a bit in British history, but he was a bit more important for Rome. He was a massive nail in the coffin of the Roman Republic and brought about the Roman Empire. It doesn’t sound like a massive difference, but if you think about how that would go down now you get a better picture of it. The Roman Republic was ran a bit similar to a modern democracy. There was the Consuls, who were like Presidents or Prime Minister, the Senate who were like an Upper House similar to the American Senate and Assemblies where normal folk could get involved, like the House of Commons. In theory, this meant that Rome was run by its people. The move to an Empire meant that the place was run by one bloke, no matter how mad he was. Our po...

20 MIN2018 JAN 5
Comments
3.1 | The End Of The Roman Republic | The One Where Julius Breaks Society

4 | Britain Between Julius & Claudius - The One Where No One Invades

EJulius left Britain after invading twice and he didn’t come back. What happened in the place after that? It’s all a bit fuzzy, but one thing we can know is that no bugger did any exciting invading. Find out how exactly they didn’t invade here. Transcript – Britannia after Julius Caesar This episode spans from 54 BC all the way to 40 AD, a mere 86 years, but is very very short. You can't ignore that this could be because we are lazy, our excuse is that there wasn't very much written down about what was going on in Britain. As we have mentioned before the Celts were not big on writing and for the Romans, Britain was still an island at the edge of the world. They had more important stuff to be worried about. Julius Caesar had invaded Britain, twice. And claimed victory, twice. When he left the second time, he didn't return. It's not easy to figure out what Julius plan for Britain had been. Were his two visits just a couple of quick expeditions to slap down some local nuisances and ...

9 MIN2018 JAN 12
Comments
4 | Britain Between Julius & Claudius - The One Where No One Invades

4.1 | Rome Between Julius Caesar And Claudius - The One With Terrible Emperors

EJulius died and left the place in disarray. Octavian picks up the pieces and treats Rome to yet another civil war or two. The folk who survive that, have to put up with a bad paranoid emperor and a bad mentally unstable emperor. It’s all gone to shit. Transcript – Rome Between Julius and Claudius When Julius Caesar died it kicked off a problem that hasn’t really been a massive issue in Rome for a while. Who was meant to be in charge now? In theory, when Rome was a Republic, the Consuls ran the place. They only had the job for a year, and if they died they could just wait until another one was elected. In the meantime, there were always two consuls, so there was a handy spare. When they became the Roman Empire, the logic was that there would already be an heir in place so everyone knew who that would be. It wasn't always that simple, as we will find out in later episodes, but that was the theory. Julius kicked off a weird in-between period, where it wasn't too obvious what was hap...

21 MIN2018 JAN 29
Comments
4.1 | Rome Between Julius Caesar And Claudius - The One With Terrible Emperors

5 | Claudius Invades Britain - The One Where They Finally Get It Done

EThere is a new emperor in town, and Claudius wants a piece of Britain. Finally. We were starting to think it was something we said. So why did Claudius finally get it done properly? How did he get it done? Was he a master of PR? Transcript – Claudius Invades Britain. The One Where They Finally Get It Done. By this point in our history of Britain, the Romans have been thinking about taking over the British Isles for nearly 100 years. We've had Julius Caesar turning up in Britain, as a proper token effort, to make people think he was doing important stuff. We've had Augustus putting us on a to do list, with the best of intentions, but ultimately being distracted by something shiny. Then we have had Caligula looking like he was going to achieve something, but really being too shit. Anyone who has ever had an office job will completely understand. This week we ask ourselves, why would Romans bother with Britain? what can a physically disabled bloke can do to look hard? And is the only ...

20 MIN2018 FEB 4
Comments
5 | Claudius Invades Britain - The One Where They Finally Get It Done

5.1 | Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air

EHas Rome got actually got themselves a decent Roman Emperor? Not only an effective Emperor but one who doesn’t cause a civil war every 5 minutes? Don’t get too excited though, it wasn’t all beer and skittles in Claudius’ Rome. Transcript – Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air Our last history of Britain episode we went over Claudius and what he wanted everyone to think was his invasion of Britain. In this companion episode we ask ourselves can a Roman Emperor ever be anything other than a nightmare for the Romans? What sort of bloke gets married four times? And what's wrong with the alphabet? Part One – The Expansion We know that Claudius came to become Emperor in slightly shady circumstances in 41 AD, and we know he sort of, but didn’t really, invade Britain in 43. He was Emperor until 54, so what was going on in the Empire in the 13 years he was in charge. One thing he did was expand the empire, and not just trying to gain control of what is obvio...

18 MIN2018 FEB 16
Comments
5.1 | Claudius As Roman Emperor. The One With The Breath Of Fresh Air
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