Has your emotionally and psychologically abusive partner betrayed and gaslit you? Are you considering couple's therapy as a last resort to save the marriage? Here's the truth about couple's therapy and why it does more harm than good to woman in an abuse scenario. Rachel, a member of the BTR community, is on the BTR podcast, boldly sharing her own story. Rachel learned for herself that couple's therapy was far more harmful than helpful because her abusive ex-husband, like many abusers, weaponized it. Listen to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Abuse Is Not A Couple's Issue: It's HIS Issue "Couple's therapy doesn't work in an abuse scenario because abusers want everything to be equal. He wants it to be true couple therapy where it's a problem that you both have that you're both working on, rather than it's his problem that he needs to fix."Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG One of the key reasons that couple's therapy harms victims it that abusers see it as an opportunity to blame the victim equally. Rather than taking full responsibility for their abuse, they can take the approach that the marriage has all sorts of issues and triangulate with the counselor or therapist so that the victim feels obligated to take on a degree of accountability. However, abuse is NEVER the victim's fault. The blame lies solely with the abuser. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhAA-ir2Rbc&t=2s Abuse Gets Mislabeled in Couple's Therapy In our Group Sessions at BTR.ORG, women often relate that in couple's therapy, the abuse was often mislabeled as: * A communication issue* Codependency (on the victim's part)* Pornography addiction* A personality disorder* Jealousy * Anger management issues* Passion* A lack of humility and submission (on the victim's part)* An attachment disorder or issue Clergy and most therapists are simply not equipped to identify and deal with abuse and trauma. BTR.ORG Is Here For You At BTR.ORG we understand that abuse is never, ever your fault. We don't blame you, in even the smallest way, for his abusiveness. Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions provide a safe space for you to find the validation, safety, and community to process your experiences. Join today and begin your journey to healing. Full Transcript Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's podcast. Her name is Rachel. And in addition to sharing her story, she's also going to share a poem with us today. So I'm really excited to have her talk with us. Welcome, Rachel. Rachel (03:35):Thank you, Anne. I feel privileged to try and be here and help other women in my situation, if you will, to feel like they're not alone, because I think that is one of the biggest things that keeps you in the midst of abuse. And you're trying to please everyone and, and the reality, you just want to be safe. Anne (03:55):Let's talk about your story. When you first met your now ex-husband did you realize that some of the things that you were seeing were abuse? "He Said All The Right Things"
One of the questions that we are frequently asked at BTR is, "Is healing from betrayal trauma and domestic abuse even possible?" Yes, absolutely, yes. Andrea Hipps, author and guest on the BTR podcast, is here to share her incredible insight into how living in reality is key to beginning your journey to healing. Listen to the free BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. Live In Reality: He Is Who He Is There's a tremendous amount of grief involved in letting someone become the miserable mess that they are.Andrea Hipps, Author Many women in the BTR Group Sessions share their difficulty in accepting that the abuser in their life is choosing his behaviors. Societally, we make just about every excuse for abuse rather than holding abusers accountable. When you can live in reality - that this person is choosing to behave the way they do, and allow them to experience the consequences of their own behaviors, you are opening the doorway for your own healing to occur. Begin Healing When You Accept That Grooming Is Part of the Abuse Cycle [Grooming] is a manufactured fantasy, on purpose, that he created to keep her sort of in the fog of abuse. She's the good person. And she wants to see people in a good light and he has preyed on that and manufactured things and lied and deceived and manipulated using those grooming type words and situations. And it's really hard to just let go of that and know that it was never true. That's really hard.Anne Blythe, founder of BTR.ORG One of the most difficult aspects of reality to accept is that his "nice" times were part of the abuse cycle. Sometimes these periods of "good" behavior are referred to as: * Love bombing* The honeymoon period* Manipulative kindness* Hoovering Rather than living in a false reality that he's a nice person who sometimes slips into abusive behaviors, healing can happen when women accept that the "nice" times were simply an effective grooming mechanism to attempt to convince the victim and her support system that the abuser was a kind, loving person - in order to keep her in the relationship. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qip_GcSyNg4 Live In Reality: Trust Patterns, Not Potential Power truly comes in aligning yourself with what is.Andrea Hipps, Author Many abusive men make promises to change. Often, they'll follow through on these promises for a period of time. This can lead victims to investing in the abuser's potential, rather than believing and making decisions based on the abuser's current patterns. As Andrea explains, personal power lies in aligning yourself with what is. Not what could be. Not what he promised he will be at some point. Not what clergy, therapists, parents, or others have told you can be. BTR Is Here For You At BTR, we know how difficult it is to live in reality when reality feels bleak. A strong support system is a must. Join the BTR Group Sessions today and find the community that you deserve as you begin your journey to healing. Full Transcript: Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR. This is Anne.
Can divorce be the doorway to your best life? Absolutely! Andrea Hipps, author of The Best, Worst Time of Your Life; Four Practices to Get You Through the Pain of Your Divorce, is on the podcast this week. Andrea and Anne take a deep dive into the post-traumatic growth that women experience when they use divorce as a catalyst to prioritizing themselves and their value systems - even in the face of the grief and pain that accompanies divorce. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR podcast for more. "But I Never Wanted Divorce" Many women in the BTR Group Sessions mourn the loss of the life they hoped for and dreamed of - none of us got married or entered a committed relationship planning on experiencing abuse and betrayal. And when abuse and betrayal were uncovered, they invested deeply in anything they were told could "save" the marriage - often to the detriment of their own mental and physical health. It's important to understand that divorce doesn't end a marriage - abuse and betrayal end marriages. "I wouldn't choose it. I don't want it. I would've avoided it if I could, but it created results in me that I treasure."Andrea Hipps, Author https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXQkRoZII7I "I Feel Selfish Choosing 'Me' Over 'We'" The years that we're investing in marriage are very much a 'we'; we're always thinking about the 'we' even if that 'we' is filled with abuse, we're still thinking, how can I make this 'we' better? And to really go through divorce well is to be able to separate in a way that starts to really only consider 'me'.Andrea Hipps, Author Abuse conditions victims to put their own needs and desires at the very bottom of every list. Often, women feel selfish and silly for prioritizing themselves in any capacity. Some may even feel fear for doing so. Choosing to prioritize yourself is a conscious decision that is both healthy and necessary in order to create and curate a beautiful life for yourself post-divorce. It takes practice and deliberate effort - but you can do it! "How Can I Do Any of This When I Don't Even Know Myself Anymore?" Most women in the BTR Group Sessions have expressed a loss of identity through their years of experiencing betrayal and abuse. The fear of building a new life without a firm grasp on the reality of your own identity is real and understandable. You begin to remember and rebuild your identity when you reconnect with your value system. You can ask yourself questions like: * What morals, values, and deep truths are most important to me?* What values have I consistently thought back on, even if I have not been able to live up to them in moments of self-defense or protective action?* What values do I find most admirable in other people? Examining and choosing your value system is a powerful way to ground yourself down in who you really are. BTR Is Here For You Divorce is one of the most difficult topics that we discuss in the BTR Group Sessions, but it's absolutely essential that women going through this process have a safe space to process their emotions and thoughts. Join the
All we can tell you is that it's not your fault. None of it was your fault. Societally, "experts", clergy, and social media users throw out terms that blame pathologize healthy women who are responding to abuse in normal ways. Kate is back on the BTR podcast to discuss 3 ways society blames abuse victims. Tune in to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. The Truth About Stockholm Syndrome Stockholm Syndrome is a big, fat lie. Straight up, it doesn't exist. It's a harmful victim blaming modality, because society accepts its existence as fact, even though the history of its creation and the fact that there is literally zero evidence to back it up, make it pretty clear that it's junk science. Even Elizabeth Smart said that nobody should ever question why you didn't do something. They have no idea what victims would have done. And they certainly have no right to judge: everything I did, I did to survive. And Natasha Kampusch said looking for normality within the framework of a crime is not a syndrome, but people get annoyed. There's no example of like Stockholm Syndrome. That actually is legit. Because if you go and look at why they did what they did, it makes sense. There's nothing wrong with them.Kate, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Member https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qohb2ZevqrE Learned Helplessness Is A Myth Similar to Stockholm Syndrome, Learned Helplessness is a concept founded on junk science and ridiculous biases leading to victim blaming modalities that make zero sense in real world, human interactions. The myth of learned helplessness is basically that victims choose to be victims by staying in abusive situations. Anne summarizes: They did a study abusing dogs and not letting them get out. And then they said that it was their fault that they couldn't get out when they rigged the study to do that in the first place.Anne, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery They then took that study and applied the findings to humans, coining the term "learned helplessness". Yep. Codependency? Prodependency? False and False. Many women in the BTR Group Sessions have been labeled "codependent" by therapists, clergy, and others. Prodependency is a new concept that is now similarly being used to pathologize women who are reacting normally to abuse. Any time women react at all to an abusive scenario in any way that is not exactly how a misogynistic, patriarchal society wants them to react, we are diagnosed with some kind of pathology. Codependency, co-addiction, personality disorders, hormonal issues - It is normal to be angry when you have been betrayed. It is normal to be deeply sad when you have been abused. It is normal to be angry. It is normal to feel rage. It is normal to be upset. BTR Is Here For You At BTR, we do not victim blame. We know that you are reacting normal to a horrific situation. We stand with you. We believe you. Join the BTR Group Sessions today and find the validation and community that you need to begin your journey to healing.
They call it "reactive abuse" when it's self-defense. They say the blame lies with you when you're anything less than happy and supportive about the lies he's been telling for years. You're the problem for being the victim of his abusive behaviors? These are the ways they victim blame you. Kate is back on the BTR podcast explaining victim blaming modalities with Anne. Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast for more. They Call Self-Defense "Reactive Abuse" At BTR, we recognize that there is no such thing as "reactive abuse". It's self-defense; it's protective action. When the abuser and his enablers call it "reactive abuse" they are putting you and the abuser on the same playing field - which is ridiculous. Abuse is about an unequal dynamic of control. That's why it's abuse. Let's say a husband is standing in the doorway and a wife wants to get out and she pushes him or she throws stuff. They call that reactive abuse. You were reacting in an abusive way or you were being mutually abusive. So he's being abusive and you're being abusive. And that whole thing is completely bogus because, because what is the intent behind it? If an abuser is standing in the doorway blocking you and you push him, it is not the same thing. It's self-defense; self-defense is not the same thing as abuse. If we were talking about murder, if somebody came into your home and tried to kill you, tried to kill your family, and you shot them, what would they call that? In most cases that is self defense. So how would it feel if people were like, you murdered that man. It wasn't murder. So why would anybody call it reactive murder? It's not murder. It is self defense. There is a huge difference because of the intent behind it.Kate, Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community Member https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qohb2ZevqrE They Call Normal Responses To Abuse "Crazy" Victims need to know that normal reactions to abuse or disclosures of abuse are anger, sadness. They can be hysterical; if they are not hysterical from just finding out that they've been abused for 10 years, emotionally and psychologically and are a victim of sexual coercion, like, are they okay? And so for the Pornography Addiction Recovery Complex to say victims, you need to be really careful about how you respond to him so you don't hurt him when he admits to abusing - that's insane. It's absolutely crazy.Anne Blythe, Founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery The Pornography Addiction Recovery Complex (PARC) is especially guilty of victim blaming in that they put a stupidly harmful expectation on victims to never, ever behave like victims. When victims discover abusive behaviors, the PARC tells victims that unless they respond with emotions like patience and understanding and compassion and love - we're crazy. We're the abusers. It's a gigantic gaslight. Thanks, CSATs of the world. The Drama Triangle Doesn't Apply To Abusive Situations One common victim blaming modality is The Drama Triangle - wherein victims are the instigators of all relationtional issues. But the interesting thing here is that the concept of the drama triangle was never intended to be applied to actual abuse scenarios...
Secret porn use, sexual coercion, manipulation, gaslighting... He'd have you believe his shame made him do it. So would sex addiction experts and social media influencers who have found a scapegoat in "shame" and are holding onto this concept with an iron fist. But the truth? His shame didn't make him do it. He chooses to be abusive and unfaithful. Every single time. It's a choice. Kate's back on the BTR podcast with Anne to dissect the truth behind shame. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR podcast for more. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58OZhEA8jDM&t=5s He Said "Shame Made Him Look At Porn" Clients in the BTR Group Sessions regularly share horror stories of their husbands and ex-husbands admitting to secret porn use, blaming their "shame", saying that feelings of shame compelled them to use pornography. Anne explains why this is how abusive men avoid accountability: Everybody feels shame. Some people feel shame and so they eat ice cream. Some people feel shame and they go for a run. Some people feel shame and they start crying. Shame is not the cause of someone looking at porn.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery A common scenario that plays out in abusive homes: the abuser betrays his partner, then claims to feel so shameful that he cannot help but further betray her by using pornography. Then when victims react in shock, anger, or sadness, the abuser and his enablers (therapists, clergy, family, and friends) further traumatize the victim for not "supporting" the abuser. There is nothing okay about this. "Our Therapist Told Me To Stop Shaming Him" Couples counseling is not advisable in an abuse scenario - often, therapists and counselors will side with the abuser and blame the victim. Sometimes, therapists will counsel the victim to stop "shaming" the abuser for his abusive behaviors. They may counsel victims to try to connect with the abuser more in an attempt to help "heal" his "addiction" or soothe his shame. Anne says: The problem with abusers is they are not safe to connect with. And the more you try to connect with them, the more abused you get.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery This therapy model ultimately blames victims and is dangerous. When abusers do shameful things, they should feel shame and they should deal with that shame in healthy ways. Healthy People Deal With Shame in Healthy Ways Most human beings feel shame. It's a normal part of the human experience. You may feel shame when you tell a white lie or leave your shopping cart in the wrong part of a parking lot. By the "sex addiction" logic, every time you felt shameful for poor behavior, you would harm the people you love. Does that add up to you? A healthy person deals with their shame in healthy ways and an unhealthy person deals with their shame in unhealthy ways, but is not the cause of anybody's behavior.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery BTR Is Here For You If you've been counseled to soothe your abuser's shame or your abuser's behavior has been excused because of hi...
Chances are, if you're here, at one time or another you've been told that your partner or ex-partner has a sex addiction. Secret porn use and other sexual acting-out behaviors, including intimate betrayal have been labeled as "sex addiction" by therapists, coaches, clergy, and others for years to the detriment of victims. While pornography use and other behaviors are absolutely addictive, labelling only as sexual addictions isn't solving the problem - in fact - it often enables abusers to keep abusing and further harms victims. Kate is back on the BTR podcast, taking a deep dive with Anne to expose the sex addiction myth. Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR podcast for more. Intimate Betrayal, Including Porn Is Abusive, Period Too often, intimate betrayal, including pornography use, is only considered a sexual addiction issue. The problem here is that while these behaviors are absolutely addictive, the underlying and even more serious issue is abuse. When abuse isn't correctly labelled and dealt with, abusers are enabled and victims are further harmed. Pornography is addictive and we both agree that pornography use in and of itself is abuse. And then also the behaviors around it: the gaslighting, the lying, the manipulation, all those types of behaviors around it constitute emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and sexual coercion. Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOyeyycxblA But What If He Really Is Addicted To Sex? Some victims worry that their husbands or partners are actually sex addicts and that by using the sex addiction label, the abusers will be able to get the help they need to stop abusing their wives and children. As Anne explains: The reason why I just prefer to use the word abuse in all contexts is because addiction to me kind of says, this is what he is experiencing. He is experiencing an addiction. I don't really care what he is experiencing. I'm not so concerned about that. I am more concerned about what the victim is experiencing.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery The Sex Addiction Model focuses so largely on the "illness" of the abuser that the abuser's victims are largely ignored and/or blamed for the abuser's behaviors. By correctly labeling the abuser's behaviors as abusive rather than just "acting out" addiction, women and children can get the help that they need to heal from abuse. BTR Is Here For You At BTR, we understand how frustrating it is to try to find help in a world where pornography use and intimate betrayal are widely accepted as "normal". We will always believe you. We will always be on your side. Our BTR Group Sessions are a safe place for you to process your trauma, share your story, and ask questions. Join today and begin your journey to healing. Full Transcript: Anne (00:56):Before we get to today's episode, there are a lot of so-called betrayal, trauma therapists or coaches or groups out there, but they don't actually know how to help women in session. Some of them do great online presentations or YouTube videos, but once you get in session, you realize they're not helpful here at BTR. We know how to actually help you.
Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy. Facing the triggering comments made by family, friends, therapists, clergy, and random people in the grocery store only makes leaving more difficult. But Kate and Anne are on the BTR podcast to add some comedic relief with their witty comebacks to common triggering comments that victims hear. Listen to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. "He (Your Abuser) Just Needs Your Support" Many victims hear variations of this statement, including the "love, serve, forgive" trope. Victims of betrayal are told to be more sexual, while victims of abuse are told to be more understanding of the abuser's difficult childhood. Anne shares: "No one should ever ask a victim to support their abuser. Ever."Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery Many victims are kind, compassionate, loving people and may feel that they owe the abuser a degree of understanding and empathy. Victims can live within their value system while still preserving their own safety, allowing the abuser to seek support from other people who they have not abused. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhAA-ir2Rbc "Don't You Think It's Time To Practice Forgiveness?" Asking a victim to practice forgiveness is offensive. Period. I'm just like, what do you mean forgiveness? If it was something that was in the past, and the threat was over, I can maybe understand that. And even then, it's still nobody else's business. It's like baby steps. Forgiveness is not like all of a sudden done.Kate, SHEro If you've been counseled to forgive, or chastised for not being forgiving, give yourself the grace that you deserve. Forgiveness is a very personal matter and not something that anyone else deserves to lecture you about. "Why Are You So Upset?" Asking a victim why she is angry, upset, or afraid can be construed as a form of gaslighting. It minimizes the abuser's behavior. If a victim has been vulnerable about sharing her story and then is told that she shouldn't be upset, she may feel crazy or dramatic. If you've experienced this, find a safe, accepting, and loving place to process your trauma. The BTR Group Sessions are a wonderful place to find the validation that you deserve. Come join us today. Full Transcript: Anne: Welcome to Betrayal Trauma Recovery, this is Anne. It's so nice to have Kate on today's episode. She is an amazing warrior for truth and for justice for women all over the world. She is a Shero, and she has been through it all. She does a lot of research, she's just one of us. Welcome back to the podcast, Kate. Kate: Hello. Witty Comebacks to Triggering Statements Anne: We're going to talk about kind of witty comebacks to triggering statements that people might say at church, or neighbors might say, or family members. Things that may or may not disarm the person, however, we need to do a very big warning here. Kate and I are just going to brainstorm. We're just going to throw things out there. We do not recommend you actually use these. So please do not be like, well, Kate and Anne said that when someone says this, I should reply with this. That is not what this episode is about. So, I just need to put that out there. Do not try this at home folks.
If the abusive people in your life have, at one time or another, called you crazy, you're not alone. Labelling a woman as crazy is a powerful tool that men have had in their arsenal for centuries. And it's a little confusing: when a woman is clearly sane and healthy, why in the world would someone lie and say that she's crazy, unstable, and even dangerous? Kate Moore is on the podcast again with Anne, discussing how things haven't really changed all that much since Elizabeth Packard's era. Listen to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more. They Say We're Crazy to Silence Us In Elizabeth Packard's day, being outspoken was literally a symptom of insanity: Any educated or assertive woman was seen as liable to go mad, even a woman who simply read. I sort of found the records of the insane asylum of the era and a cause of madness in that time was reading novels. So, any woman who's using her brain, who's using her tongue, was seen at risk of madness and was liable to be sent away just as Elizabeth was. So absolutely, her strength was the reason that her husband wanted to dispatch her to the asylum.Kate Moore, author of The Woman They Could Not Silence Gaslighting an entire society into believing that women who think and share their ideas are actually unstable and mentally ill is a very effective tool in keeping women very quiet. They Say We're Crazy to Avoid Accountability Rather than own up to their own abusive or harmful behaviors, men can simply use the justice system against women by convincing those in power that the victim is crazy (and it's not very hard to convince others that women are crazy, since the odds are stacked against us): I've had readers contact me saying how haunting they found Elizabeth's story because similar things have happened to them. For example, your police are called because of a domestic violence incident. They don't help the woman, they talked to her husband, and they say if she's causing you trouble, we can make arrangements to have her taken away to the mental hospital. This was from 2017, a reader emailed me about that situation. I personally have interviewed people from the 1980s, for example, where an abusive husband got his wife sent away to a mental institution for several months, his word against hers, and they believed him because she was sent away. Kate Moore, author of The Woman They Could Not Silence https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAX9-no3yrE They Say We're Crazy Because it Keeps Them in Power Kate talks about how cooperation with the people in power was the only way for a woman to be considered sane. This is just another way of saying that as long as we allow misogynistic, patriarchal systems and people to control us, we have a degree of security. Oh goodie, they won't throw us in an insane asylum. They say we're crazy because ultimately it's what keeps men in power. Anne wholeheartedly advocates for women to boldly stand in their truth and speak up for justice, refusing to comply with abusive systems and relationships. BTR Is Here For You At BTR, we know the incredible frustration that comes from being called crazy, and being convinced that you're crazy. There's nothing quite like it. You need support. Come join our daily BTR group sessions t...