2. What’sHappening in Your Head
2.你腦子里在想什麼

You're listeningto that conversation. A Himalaya learning audio course, be sure to check outall of the other awesome exclusive content in the Himalaya app or Anihimalaya.com. Hi, I'm going to start this episode by telling me the story aboutthe woman who left her camera in Mississippi. We were into forest
你在聽那個對話。一個喜馬拉雅學習音頻課程，一定要看看喜馬拉雅應用程序或Ani中所有其他令人敬畏的獨家內容喜馬拉雅網站.嗨，我要從這一集開始講一個關於那個把相機落在密西西比州的女人的故事。我們進入了森林

court.
法庭。

I had a couplein front of me. They are originally from Mississippi, but they now lived inCalifornia. She was all day unhappy. He was all day angry. He kept telling mestory after story about how he tried to make our happy, how we tried thesatisfier. But no matter what he did, no matter how far he tried, no matterwhat he listened to, no matter what he did did, she was perpetually unhappy.
我前面有一對。他們最初來自密西西比州，但現在住在加利福尼亞州。她整天悶悶不樂。他整天生氣。他一個接一個地給我講他是如何讓我們快樂的，我們是如何讓我們更滿意的。但不管他做了什麼，不管他做了多少努力，不管他聽了什麼，不管他做了什麼，她總是不開心。

Then I spoke toher. And she told me about all his failures and his fault, all the things thathe did wrong. And I couldn't understand where they were coming from until shetold me the story about her camera in Mississippi, and then it all
然后我和她說話。她告訴我他所有的失敗和錯誤，所有他做錯的事。直到她告訴我她的相機在密西西比州的故事，我才明白它們是從哪里來的

made. Since
制造的。因為

they had movedto California from Mississippi, where they had always lived because he waspursuing this dream. She wasn't happy about it. She wasn't on board with it,but she really wanted him. So she moved every time she asked him for something,he would do it. Because he felt like he owed her, but no matter what he did,she wasn't happy.
他們從密西西比州搬到加利福尼亞州，他們一直住在那里，因為他在追求這個夢想。她對此不滿意。她不同意，但她真的很想要他。所以每次她向他要東西時，她都會搬家，他會照做。因為他覺得他欠她，但不管他做了什麼，她都不高興。

So I startedtalking to her, asking her why she was so unhappy and drilling down on all thespecifics of the things that she said he didn't do for her. And finally, shesaid something that just turned on the light. She said, well, I would find myown way or. Habits or things to do here in California, but I left my camera inMississippi.
於是，我開始和她交談，問她為什麼這麼不開心，並詳細討論了她說他没有為她做的事情的所有細節。最后，她說了一句剛開燈的話。她說，好吧，我會找到自己的路或者。習慣或事情在加州，但我把相機落在密西西比州。

I told you thatstory, because this episode is about what's happening in your head. There is noway in the world that you can have effective communication with the personyou're in love with, unless you know what it is you want. And had I asked. Thewoman who left her camera in Mississippi was a little bit depressed and wasn'ton board for the move.
我告訴你那個故事，因為這一集是關於你腦子里發生的事情。在這個世界上，你不可能和你愛的人進行有效的交流，除非你知道你想要的是什麼。如果我問的話。那個把相機留在密西西比州的女人有點鬱悶，不願意搬家。

She thought thatif she asked for what she wanted and got it, she would somehow be happy. So shekept asking for little things, but those little things, aren't what she wanted.What she needed to do is take a moment with herself, figure out exactly what wasgoing on in her head and then communicate those needs to her man.
她想，如果她問她想要什麼並得到它，她一定會很高興的。所以她一直要求一些小東西，但是那些小東西，不是她想要的。她需要做的是花點時間陪自己，弄清楚她腦子里到底在想什麼，然后把這些需求傳達給她的男人。

But she didn'tdo it. She kept talking about all the things that she left. You know, there arecameras in California, but that was not her problem. Even though she kepttelling him he won't take me back to Mississippi to get my camera out ofstorage. That was her last, hold on. I think my problem is him when in fact itreally wasn't.
但她没有這麼做。她一直在談論她離開的一切。你知道，加州有攝像頭，但那不是她的問題。儘管她一直跟他說他不會帶我回密西西比把我的相機拿出來。那是她最后一次了，等等。我想我的問題是他，而事實並非如此。

Hi, I'm judgeLynn Toler. And this podcast is about that conversation. You know, theconversation that I'm talking about, the one you're trying to have with theperson that you're in love with this episode is called what's happening in yourhead because meaningful conversation, doesn't start with how to start yoursentences or how to come to a conversation.
嗨，我是林恩·托勒法官。這個播客是關於那個對話的。你知道嗎，我所說的對話，你想和你愛的人進行的對話，叫做你腦子里發生的事情，因為有意義的對話，不是從如何開始你的句子或如何開始的。

It's all aboutunderstanding what you want and knowing how to convey that need. Just for anexample, if you're trying to build a building, they got to know what kind ofmaterials that you're working with. You can't hammer sand to anything you can'tbend steel with your hands. So you have to know what you're working with inorder to make your work work out right.
關鍵是要了解你想要什麼，知道如何傳達你的需要。舉個例子，如果你想建一棟樓，他們就得知道你用的是什麼材料。你不能用手把沙子錘到任何不能彎曲的東西上。所以你必須知道你在和什麼一起工作才能使你的工作順利進行。

In order to bean effective communicator in a relationship, you really have to know what youwant. You cannot get someone to fulfill a need that you aren't able toarticulate. I don't care how well your Uber driver knows the city. If you don'tknow where you want to go and don't have the ability to tell him about it, hecan't take you where you want to be.
為了在一段關系中成為一個有效的溝通者，你必須知道你想要什麼。你無法讓某人滿足你無法表達的需求。我不在乎你的優步司機對這個城市有多了解。如果你不知道你想去哪里，又没有能力告訴他，他就不能帶你去你想去的地方。

There are twovery important things you have to do in deciding to have that goodconversation. The first is knowing who you are, what you've been through andhow that sets up in your head. If you're not emotionally intelligent, you won'tbe able to ask for what you need. The problem is everybody thinks they'rerational when in fact, often more times than not, they are simply feeling.
有兩件非常重要的事你必須做，以決定有一個良好的對話。首先要知道你是誰，你經歷了什麼，以及這些是如何在你的頭腦中形成的。如果你在情感上不聰明，你就不能要求你需要什麼。問題是每個人都認為自己是理性的，而事實上，很多時候，他們只是感覺而已。

And the reasonthat occurs is that we feel far faster than we think at the talk about thenanoseconds and the milliseconds that take for a thought to go to your amygdalaor your cerebral cortex and tell you why one shows up so much later than theother. But instead, I'm just going to give you an example that I think willclear the whole thing up.
出現這種情況的原因是，我們感覺比我們想象的要快得多，我們想一想就得花上幾納秒和幾毫秒，然后告訴你為什麼一個出現得比另一個晚得多。但是，我只想給你們舉個例子，我想這個例子可以讓整個事情變得清楚。

Let's say you'resitting in your living room and you live in Boise, Idaho, for example, none, alot of lions running around Boise, but you look up one day and lo and behold inthrough a window comes a lion big mean angry, growl and lion. Don't make nosense. Not something you would anticipate yet. Here
假設你坐在起居室里，住在愛達荷州的博伊西，没有，很多獅子在博伊西附近跑來跑去，但有一天你抬頭一看，從窗戶里看到一頭獅子，它凶狠地怒吼著，吼叫著。别胡說八道。你還没料到。在這里

he is.
他是。

You're not goingto have to sit in your living room and ask yourself, huh? I wonder why there'sa lion here. What's he doing in Boise? Why is he in my house? And what in theworld should I do about it? That's what thinking is for what you do instead iswhen you see that sucker come through the window, you jump and you run.
你不必坐在客廳里自問吧？我想知道為什麼這里有獅子。他在博伊西干什麼？他為什麼在我家？我到底該怎麼辦呢？這就是你的想法，當你看到那個混蛋從窗戶進來，你就跳，你就跑。

That's youremotional self taking care of your physical self before your intellectual selfever gets the message. Since we feel so much faster than we think we tend toconvey our feelings, our emotions, our needs, our wants, and our fears beforewe convey the information that will allow the person that we're in love with todo what we feel they need to do.
那是你的情感自我，在你的理智自我得到信息之前照顧好你的身體自我。因為我們的感覺比我們想象的要快得多，我們傾向於在傳達信息之前，先傳達我們的感受，我們的情緒，我們的需求，我們的想要，和我們的恐懼，讓我們所愛的人去做我們認為他們需要做的事。

So the firstthing you need to do to have that great conversation with the person thatyou're in love with is to make sure your own emotional house is in order. Yougot to know what you need, what you want and what you feel and what you wantfrom the other person in order to get intimately familiar with your ownemotional house.
所以，你需要做的第一件事就是和你愛的人進行一次偉大的對話，那就是確保你自己的情感之家井然有序。你必須知道你需要什麼，你想要什麼，你的感受，你想從其他人那里得到什麼，這樣才能對你自己的情感宮有一個親密的了解。

You first have to consider what your base personality is and basepersonality is like the factory settings on your computer. It's how you show upin this world before anybody or anything has had a chance to lean on it. Youknow, there are all kinds of people in this world, outgoing, introverted,funny, angry, uh, uh, uh, anxious, fearful, uh, domineering of all kinds ofpeople.
你首先要考慮你的基本個性是什麼，基本個性就像你電腦上的出廠設置。這就是你在任何人或任何東西有機會依靠它之前就出現在這個世界上的方式。你知道，這個世界上有各種各樣的人，外向，內向，有趣，憤怒，呃，呃，呃，焦慮，恐懼，呃，霸道的人。

And you got toknow what kind of person you are. Don't judge you don't, don't wag your fingerat you. Don't ask yourself who you want to be. Ask yourself who you were bornto be. For instance, I was born to be anxious and nervous. That's just what itwas. I was allowed crazy baby, because I had, I had a lot of anxiety going onout of the gate.
你要知道你是什麼樣的人。不要評判你不，不要對你搖手指。不要問自己你想成為誰。問問你自己你生來就是誰。例如，我生來就是焦慮和緊張的。事情就是這樣。我被允許瘋狂的寶貝，因為我有，我有很多焦慮在大門外面。

There werethings that made it worse and there were things that made it better. But at mybase, at my bottom, I'm a nervous check. I always take that into account beforeI opened my mouth. The thing that most people don't take into account whenthey're talking to somebody they're in love with. Is that there are a whole lotless likely to consider who they are and how they come across because.
有些事情讓事情變得更糟，有些事情讓事情變得更好。但在我的基地，在我的底部，我是一個緊張的檢查。我總是在開口之前考慮到這一點。大多數人在和他們愛的人交談時都不會考慮的事情。因為有很多人不太可能去考慮他們是誰以及他們是如何出現的。

You're in love.They should understand you. But here's the question. If you don't reallyunderstand you, how can they, so what I would like you to do is take a moment,step back and take a look at who you are. At your base, how do you deal witheverybody? What emotions pop up first? Can you list all of your traits in youridiosyncrasies?
你戀愛了。他們應該理解你。但問題是。如果你真的不了解你，他們怎麼可能，所以我希望你做的是花點時間，退后一步，看看你是誰。在你的基地里，你怎麼和每個人打交道？什麼樣的情緒最先出現？你能列出你所有的特質嗎？

Because insidethose traits and idiosyncrasies lies the emotional underpinnings of everythingyou want and need, and it turns out to be a part of everything you choose toconvey. Let me give you an example from my time on municipal court. Yeah. I wasthere one day and there was a domestic violence charge, uh, against, uh, awoman against her husband.
因為在這些特質和特質中，隱藏著你想要和需要的一切的情感基礎，而事實證明，它是你選擇傳達的一切的一部分。讓我給你舉一個我在市法院任職的例子。是啊。有一天我在那里，有一個家庭暴力指控，呃，一個女人對她的丈夫。

She had thrownsome, a bottle of applesauce at him or something. I don't really remember what,but I'll call them Bob and Doris, Bob and Doris had a 17 year old. And this 17year old as 17 year olds are wants to do. What's causing a lot of trouble. Hewouldn't go into school. He wouldn't do his
她朝他扔了一些東西，一瓶蘋果醬什麼的。我不太記得了，但我叫他們鮑勃和多麗絲，鮑勃和多麗絲有一個17歲的孩子。而這個17歲的孩子就像17歲的孩子想做的那樣。是什麼引起了很多麻煩。他不會去上學的。他不會做他的

homework.
作業。

You know, thedrill, his father kept saying to his mother, you know, we need some help forthat boy. You know, we need to do something beyond what we've already done,because they had tried this, that, and everything else and couldn't get them toact right. Those conversations that he had with her. Made
他爸爸一直對他媽媽說，你知道，我們需要幫助他。你知道嗎，我們需要做一些超出我們已經做過的事情，因為他們已經嘗試過這個，那個，和其他的一切，卻無法讓他們采取正確的行動。他和她的對話。制造

her livid.
她臉色發青。

She replied tohim with I'm a good mother. I don't know why you're saying what you're saying.What are you trying to say to me? Dada, dada. She was angry and shecommunicated the fact that she thought he was attacking her. When in fact hewas simply suggesting. A new approach. What I finally figured out after I sentit to the probation department and we talked to her is that she was veryinsecure.
我對他媽媽說得很好。我不知道你為什麼這麼說。你想對我說什麼？爸爸，爸爸。她很生氣，她說她認為他在攻擊她。實際上他只是在暗示。一種新的方法。當我把它送到緩刑部門，和她談過之后，我終於發現她很不安全。

And any time youcriticize what was going on in her household that had anything to do with her,she heard criticism. She heard indication of her lack of value. Herinsecurities changed what she heard, which made what she said. Irrelevant. Notonly was it a relevant, it started causing more trouble.
每當你批評她家里發生的與她有關的事情時，她都會聽到批評。她聽到了她缺乏價值的跡象。她的不安全感改變了她所聽到的，這使她說出了什麼。無關緊要。這不僅是一個相關的問題，它開始引起更多的麻煩。

And eventually when hedidn't understand what she was trying to tell her, she labs some produce at himfrom across the room.
最后，當他不明白她想告訴她什麼時，她就在房間的另一邊給他做了些實驗。

She had tounderstand her needs, her desires and her personality. So she could receive seeif the information that she was getting and respond appropriately, which by theway, was a manner in which to help 17 in court. Let me tell you what I told herafter I figured out what her underlying problem was. I said, you know, I've gota kid at home.
她必須了解自己的需要、欲望和個性。這樣她就可以接收到她所得到的信息並做出適當的回應，順便說一句，這是在法庭上幫助17歲的一種方式。讓我告訴你我在弄清她潛在的問題后告訴她的。我說，你知道，我家里有個孩子。

He ain't 17.He's a little bit younger, but he is a lot of work. And I have legions ofpeople that I have brought in on the situation to help me. Now, here I was ajudge, all of that, and I was admitting to her. That I had failures, quote,unquote, that looked like her own. And that may be those failures quote unquotewere not really failures.
他才17歲。他年輕一點，但他工作很忙。我找了很多人來幫助我。現在，我是法官，所有這些，我向她承認。我有失敗，引用，不引用，看起來像她自己。這可能是那些失敗的引證不算真正的失敗。

They were justan inability to get it done with what you already had on hand. And goodmotherhood is not about you fixing all your kids' problems. It's about bringinga board. Anybody or anything that can help you fix your problems. That's whatI'm talking about. All I'm trying to say is this, you got to know who you areas a person.
他們只是無法用你手頭上的東西來完成它。做個好母親並不是要你解決孩子的所有問題。是帶一塊木板。任何能幫你解決問題的人或事。這就是我要說的。我想說的是，你要知道自己是誰。

You have to knowhow you feel because your feelings jump ahead of your intellect all of thetime, especially when you're home talking to someone who supposed to understandand love you. You gotta get your. Own emotional house in order. So you say whatyou need to say. So you don't think that your partner isn't giving you what youwant because he doesn't want to, or because she doesn't know how, or becauseshe's inadequate, but because you have not relayed the needs that you reallyhave best one.
你必須知道你的感受，因為你的感覺總是超越你的理智，尤其是當你在家里和一個本該理解和愛你的人交談時。你得把你的。有秩序地擁有情感之家。所以你要說什麼就說什麼。所以你不會認為你的伴侶没有給你你想要的，因為他不想，或者因為她不知道怎麼做，或者因為她不夠好，而是因為你没有傳達你真正擁有的最好的需求。

The second thingyou need to know about is the people you were raised around. You know, none ofus came here. And ready to roll like turtles. You know, how turtles do themother turtle lays the eggs. And then when they hatch mom is gone and theturtles just make it best. They can. They're not instructed.
你需要知道的第二件事是你成長的環境。你知道，我們都没來過這里。準備好像海龜一樣翻滾。你知道，海龜媽媽是怎麼生蛋的。當它們孵化的時候，媽媽就不見了，而烏龜卻能做到最好。他們可以。他們没有得到指示。

They're not toldanything. They just make their way in the world. We however are very different.We are all born into families. Cultures into religions to race, creed, allkinds of things that lean on who we are and the thing that leans on you most,and first is the people in your house. You have to understand how the thingsthat are around you lean on you.
他們什麼都没告訴他們。他們只是在這個世界上闖出一條路。然而，我們是非常不同的。我們都出身家庭。把文化融入宗教，種族，信仰，各種依賴我們的東西，最依賴你的東西，首先是你家里的人。你必須了解週圍的事物是如何依賴你的。

So youunderstand what you believe is the appropriate way to communicate and what youconsider normal abnormal needs wants and desires. So you have to ask yourself.Who's living in your house. Was there a dominating personality there? In myhouse, I had a father with a dominating personality that determined how weconduct a communication in our household.
所以你明白你認為什麼才是合適的溝通方式，以及你認為正常的不正常的需求和欲望。所以你得問問自己。誰住在你家里。那里有一個支配性的人物嗎？在我的家里，我有一個父親，他具有支配性的性格，決定了我們如何在家里進行交流。

We never anysaid, we never said anything to him. We talked around him. There were subjectsthat we were not allowed to raise. There were subjects that we could raise youlearn what's appropriate to speak on based upon who lives with you. What aboutyour culture? What's cool where you live, but not necessarily where somebodyelse lives.
我們從來没說過，也没跟他說過什麼。我們圍著他說話。有些科目我們是不允許培養的。我們可以根據和你住在一起的人來教你什麼是合適的。你的文化呢？你住的地方很酷，但别人住的地方不一定。

Do you have whatI used to call a high volume household in court. I used to see people all ofthe time that we're in a constant state of rage, usually on a very subtle, butreal domestic violence charge or somebody, you know, launched cabbage across aroom. And what I found is that a lot of people live in what I call high volumehouseholds, which means everybody's always angry.
你有我以前在法庭上所說的大家庭嗎。我以前經常看到人們，我們總是處於一種持續的憤怒狀態，通常是在一個非常微妙的，但真正的家庭暴力指控，或是有人，你知道，在一個房間里扔卷心菜。我發現很多人生活在我所說的大家庭里，這意味著每個人都很生氣。

So everybodystarts out at a, at a nine, from one to 10. So in order to get heard, you haveto go to a 10. So all of your conversations are anxious and angry and youbecome an anxious and angry person. Also, when you get out of that house, Andin any relationship you go into you believe that just started a nine, notbecause of your personality, but because that's what you used to have to do inorder to get heard in your house.
所以每個人都從a開始，從9點開始，從1點到10點。所以為了讓别人聽到你的聲音，你得去10分。所以你所有的談話都是焦慮和憤怒的，你變成了一個焦慮和憤怒的人。另外，當你走出那所房子，在任何一段感情中，你都會相信剛剛開始的9分，不是因為你的個性，而是因為那是你過去為了在你的房子里被聽到而必須做的事情。

What I'm askingyou to do is step away from who you are and how you live and take a look at whoyou lived with. How did they establish communication in your home? What was agood topic? Not a good topic where you vulnerable. Were you always talkingabout everything? Were you emotional where you demonstrative?
我要你做的是遠離你是誰，你如何生活，看看你和誰一起生活。他們是如何在你家建立聯系的？什麼是好話題？這不是一個好話題，你很脆弱。你一直在說什麼嗎？你情緒化了嗎？

You're going totake all of that from that script and you going to read that script andwhatever relationship you're in, or sometimes you're going to take that script,realize you didn't like it and do anything, but what's on that script.
你會從劇本中得到所有的東西，然后你會讀到劇本和你所處的關系，或者有時候你會接受這個劇本，意識到你不喜歡它，然后做任何事情，但是劇本上寫的是什麼。

But again, Who you livewith, determines how you behave out in the world.
但是，你和誰住在一起，決定了你在這個世界上的表現。

And especially whenyou're alone in a room with someone you love, because
尤其是當你一個人和你愛的人在一個房間里，因為

you think thatis the appropriate interpersonal behavior. Ain't no right in it. Ain't no wrongin it. But what you have to do is understand it. Let me give you anotherexample from divorce court. I had this beautiful woman in court with thislovely man and they loved each other.
你認為這是恰當的人際交往行為。這是不對的。没有錯。但你要做的是理解它。我再舉一個離婚法庭的例子。我讓一個漂亮的女人和這個可愛的男人在法庭上，他們彼此相愛。

A great deal.This woman, however, was convinced that that man didn't love her because hedidn't satisfy her needs. Now her knees weren't necessarily based on her ownpersonal emotions that she was born with. Instead, what I discovered was thisMadam beautiful I'll call her Barbara Barbara lived in a home with a fatherthat doted on her.
很多。然而，這個女人卻堅信那個男人不愛她，因為他不能滿足她的需要。現在她的膝蓋不一定是基於她與生俱來的個人情感。相反，我發現這個美麗的女士，我會叫她芭芭拉芭芭拉和一個溺愛她的父親住在一個家里。

Which by the wayis an extraordinary thing. It makes your daughters strong. It makes them lesslikely to fall for the YOKA doke when they get out into the world. But that's aconversation for another day that said, if Barbara even said, man, man, thatwas a pretty doll. The next day that doll was on her bed.
順便說一句，這是一件非同尋常的事。它讓你的女兒們變得堅強。這使他們不太可能愛上洋河杜克當他們走出這個世界。但這是另一天的談話，如果芭芭拉說，夥計，那真是個漂亮的娃娃。第二天就在她的床上。

So what shelearned is that a man that loves you. We'll listen to what you have to say,assess ever need. You may have or whatever desires you might have and thenfulfill it without you asking. That's what she learned. It wasn't right. Itwasn't wrong, but it wasn't the way her husband conducted business.
所以她學到的是一個愛你的男人。我們會聽取你的意見，評估任何需要。你可能有或任何你可能擁有的欲望，然后不經你的要求就實現了。這就是她學到的。這是不對的。這没有錯，但這不是她丈夫經商的方式。

He needed anask. He wasn't that guy hovering around his wife, waiting for her to wait tojust glance upon a desire and then fulfill it. So she thought he didn't loveher. She thought he wasn't listening. She thought. She wasn't conveying herselfcorrectly because he never did what she wanted. Her environment taught herthat.
他需要一個請求。他不是那種在妻子身邊徘徊，等著她等著看到一個願望然后實現它的人。所以她認為他不愛她。她以為他没在聽。她想。她没有正確地表達自己，因為他從來没有做過她想做的事。她的環境教會了她這一點。

So, what I'm asking you to do is step back, take a look at yourenvironment.
所以，我要你做的是退后一步，看看你的環境。

How did you interact? Howdid you speak? What did you say? Who said it,
你是怎麼互動的？你怎麼說的？你說什麼？是誰說的，

how theyresponded to it and ask yourself, is that it because of the personalities inthe house? Is that something I want to repeat? Is that something that's workingwell with the man or the woman that I'm with?
他們是如何回應的並捫心自問，這是因為房子里的個性嗎？我想再說一遍嗎？這對我的男朋友還是女朋友都很有效？

That gives you awhole nother perspective on what your needs and wants are. Because, like Isaid, if the Uber driver doesn't know where you're headed and yet can'tcommunicate with him, he won't. Take you there.
這給了你一個全新的視角來看待你的需要和願望。因為，就像我說的，如果優步司機不知道你要去哪里，卻無法與他溝通，他就不會。帶你去那里。

I'm going totake this one step further so you can see a typical male female dynamic here.Uh, oftentimes I saw in divorce court, men saying to women, you don't respectme. Oftentimes I saw men say that when they felt uncomfortable about whatthey're contributing to the relationship, if the woman is working, making moremoney, society is still, dude, you're not doing the right thing, even though Idon't believe in that.
我將把這一點再進一步，這樣你就可以看到一個典型的男女動態。呃，我經常在離婚法庭上看到男人對女人說，你不尊重我。我經常看到男人說，當他們對自己對這段關系的貢獻感到不安時，如果女人在工作，掙更多的錢，社會仍然是，夥計，你做的事情不對，儘管我不相信。

That's how a lotof them people feel. These guys expressed their emotional state. To theirpartners in a way that said you are doing something wrong, therefore you arethe reason that I feel the way I do. Because they're not in touch with theirown emotional house. They don't feel well because they're not doing what theythink they ought to be doing in society's eyes.
很多人都是這樣想的。這些人表達了他們的情緒狀態。以一種說你做錯事的方式對他們的伴侶說，所以你是我感覺我這樣做的原因。因為他們與自己的情感家園没有聯系。他們感覺不好是因為他們没有做他們認為在社會上應該做的事情。

But they believethat since they've communicated that lack of respect to their partner, thattheir partner indeed is the reason that they feel that way. I always say thispeople think I'm crazy, but I believe it's true. Men need applause when theyleast deserve it. How she needed to communicate with him was.
但他們相信，既然他們已經表達了對伴侶的不尊重，他們的伴侶確實是他們產生這種感覺的原因。我總是說這些人認為我瘋了，但我相信這是真的。男人最不該得到的時候需要掌聲。她是多麼需要和他溝通。

To give himapplause when he didn't deserve it, not keep reminding him that he wasn't doingwhat he was supposed to doing. Oh, he was well aware and
在他不配的時候給他鼓掌，而不是不斷提醒他他没有做他應該做的事。哦，他很清楚而且

that's where hispain was. I'm going to talk to you a little bit more about that when I talkabout the great hormonal divide, but I just wanted you to see what the lack ofunderstanding of your emotional underpinnings does to your communication.
那就是他的痛苦所在。當我談到荷爾蒙的巨大分裂時，我會和你們多談一點，但我只是想讓你們看看，對你們的情感基礎缺乏理解會對你們的交流造成什麼影響。

So I canencourage you. To do the homework. I'm about to give you in a little minute,let's go on the opposite side of this.
所以我可以鼓勵你。做作業。我馬上就要告訴你，讓我們從另一邊開始。

I've had a womanin my courtroom who was absolutely gorgeous. Absolutely beautiful. But she keptsaying he never shows me any love. He never expresses any kindness. He just hasme hanging out here feeling like I'm nothing. And nobody, I watched theconversations he has with other women.
我的法庭上有一個非常漂亮的女人。絕對漂亮。但她一直說他從不愛我。他從不表示任何善意。我只是覺得他什麼都没有。没人，我看了他和其他女人的談話。

And I think they're nicewithin the conversations that he has with me.
我覺得在他和我的談話中他們很好。

Then I spoke tohim and he told me all of the kinds of things he always said to her. And I hadlooked at her and she confirmed. Yep. He said that. Yep. He said that. Yep. Hesaid that. So at the end I said, so how do you come away with the belief thatthis man don't love? You honor, you respect you. And all of the above, we had aconversation and I found out the last two idiots.
然后我和他談了，他告訴了我他總是對她說的所有事情。我看著她，她證實了。是的。他這麼說的。是的。他這麼說的。是的。他這麼說的。最后我說，你怎麼能帶著這個男人不愛的信念離開呢？你尊重你，你尊重你。所有這些，我們進行了一次談話，我發現了最后兩個白癡。

She dated. Were mean to her. They didn'trespect her. They're one of these guys that got a woman and then didn't treather. Right. So she was seeing and hearing what he said through the mouths ofthose other dudes. They had set up shop in her mind and distorted her man'swords. She had to get her emotional house in order so she could hear what wassaid.
她約會過。對她很刻薄。他們不尊重她。他們就是其中一個有女人卻不給她治病的人。正確的。所以她從其他男人的嘴里看到和聽到了他說的話。他們在她心里開了一家商店，歪曲了她丈夫的話。她必須整理好情緒，這樣她才能聽到所說的話。

So she couldcommunicate with him in a way that made them both happy. Yeah. Feeling me onthis. I hope so. Cause it's all about feeling before saying, so the saying doeswhat you need it to do. So here's the takeaway from this episode, make sure youknow, what's happening in your head as a function, both of who you are, yourown personality, how your mind works, what your factory settings are.
這樣她就可以和他交流，讓他們都很開心。是啊。感受我的感受。我希望如此。因為這都是說之前的感覺，所以俗語能做你需要它做的事。所以這一集的要點是，確保你知道，在你的大腦中發生了什麼，作為一種功能，你是誰，你自己的個性，你的思維如何運作，你的工廠設置是什麼。

And then. Take alook at your culture at your home, at your family. What script are you readingoff of? What did your circumstances tell you was okay. Not okay. What to say?What not to say, how to feel and how to express. You need to do all of thosethings before you even open your mouth. So you can conduct your business withthe person that you love.
然后。看看你的家庭文化。你在讀什麼劇本？你的情況說明你没事。不好。怎麼說？什麼不說，怎麼感覺，怎麼表達。在你開口之前你需要做所有這些事情。所以你可以和你愛的人做生意。

Like someone.Who really knows what they're doing. All I'm saying is make sure you know,what's going on in your own emotional house. The materials it's built with andthe people that help you construct it. So you can have a firm belief andindication and understanding what you need. So you can start that conversationwith the person that you're with from a place of a light.
像某人一樣。誰知道他們在做什麼。我要說的是確保你知道，在你自己的感情房子里發生了什麼。建造它的材料和幫助你建造它的人。所以你可以有一個堅定的信念和指示，並了解你需要什麼。所以你可以從一個光的地方開始和你在一起的人的談話。

Andunderstanding it makes things so, so much easier. You will not believe how manyconversations, diet, their inception, because the people really don't know whattopic that they're on. Now. I'm not saying that you got to sit down with a penand paper and write down everything that has ever happened to you have todecide every day.
理解它會讓事情變得非常容易。你不會相信有多少次談話，飲食，他們的開始，因為人們真的不知道他們在談論什麼話題。現在。我不是說你必須坐下來用筆和紙寫下發生在你身上的每件事，每天都要決定。

Personalitytrait peculiarity that you have. What I am saying is you do have to take sometime to think it through. There's nothing wrong with thinking. There's nothingwrong with sitting back and considering. Before you convey. I believe thatthinking is underrated. These days. We have so many opportunities to expressourselves.
你的個性特質。我要說的是你必須花些時間來考慮清楚。思考没有錯。坐下來考慮也没什麼不對的。在你傳達之前。我認為思考被低估了。這些天。我們有很多表達自己的機會。

We seemcompelled to do that without any thought going on beforehand. It makes for alot of consternation and issues, especially when you're talking blind to theperson that you're in love with. I'm going to end this with a story about a 20year old argument over watermelon
我們似乎是迫不得已才這麼做的。這會引起很多恐慌和問題，尤其是當你和你愛的人盲目交談時。我要用一個20年前關於西瓜的爭論來結束這件事

story about myhusband, I call him biggie and me we'd been married. I don't know how longwe've been married. We've been together for 33 years. And every time I boughtwatermelon, which I like a great deal. It used to irritate the living daylightsout of my husband. He would have something snarky to say he would be upsetabout it.
關於我丈夫的故事，我叫他大塊頭，我們已經結婚了。我不知道我們結婚多久了。我們在一起33年了。每次我買西瓜，我都很喜歡。它過去常使我丈夫生氣。他會有一些尖刻的話要說，他會為此感到不安。

And I would lookat him all funny, wondering what is this man's problem with my watermelon. Itstarted a lot of stupid arguments for no particular reason at all. At one pointI even stopped buying watermelon, resented it for him, and that popped up inour conversations as well. Then I had a conversation with his brother.
我會看著他很有趣，想知道這個人是怎麼了我的西瓜。它無緣無故地引發了很多愚蠢的爭論。有一次我甚至停止買西瓜，為他怨恨，這在我們的談話中也出現了。然后我和他哥哥聊了一會兒。

His brother toldme that when he was young biggie, he was in charge of taking out the garbage.Now this is back in the fifties when we didn't have plastic bags and there werenothing, but paper bags lined in the garbage pan, his mother, whom he loved tothe moon and back loved watermelon. And every time she would put the watermelonrinds into the trashcan, it's soaked the bag.
他哥哥告訴我他小時候負責倒垃圾。現在這又回到了50年代，那時我們没有塑料袋，什麼也没有，只有紙袋在垃圾桶里，他的母親，他愛的月亮和回來愛西瓜。每次她把西瓜皮放進垃圾桶里，都會把袋子浸濕。

When he pulledit out, the bag would break watermelon and all the garbage on the floor and hehad to clean it up. That put watermelon in his mind has a bad thing. And sincehe hadn't set that down or sought it through the fact that his irritating newwife liked watermelon set up all those negative emotions in his head.
當他把它拿出來的時候，袋子會把西瓜和地上所有的垃圾都弄碎了，他必須把它清理干淨。把西瓜放在他腦子里是件壞事。既然他没有把這件事放下，也没有試圖通過他那惱人的新妻子喜歡西瓜這一事實，在他頭腦中引發了所有這些負面情緒。

And since hedidn't know where they came from, and since I was the one with the watermelon,he directed them at me. Now it's not a big deal. It's not an important deal.But it's an easy example to see. So now that we're done talking about what'sgoing on in your head, I'm going to leave you with another assignment.
因為他不知道它們是從哪里來的，又因為是我拿著西瓜，他就把它們對準了我。現在没什麼大不了的。這不是什麼重要的交易。但這是一個很容易看到的例子。既然我們已經談完了你腦子里在想什麼，我就留給你另一個任務。

Your homework ismuch the same as last time, but I'm going to ask it to be a little specific.I'm going to ask you to step back and take a good hard look in your ownemotional mirror. Don't look for winners and losers and right or wrong.Instead, just look for patterns. Look at your family without judgment, withoutsaying yes or no one right or wrong or good or bad.
你的作業和上次差不多，但我要要求它具體一點。我要請你退后一步，仔細看看你自己的情緒鏡子。不要尋找贏家和輸家以及對錯。相反，只需尋找模式。看看你的家庭，不要有任何判斷，不要說是或不是一個人對或錯或好或壞。

And just seewhat it's set up in your head as the script that you will most likely follow inthe next episode, we're going to take this one further after you're figure outwhat's going on in your head. You've got to figure out what's going on in yourpartner's head. That's a little harder. That's going to take some time, but Ibelieve it can be done.
看看你腦子里是怎麼想的，你很可能會在下一集里跟著這個劇本，我們會在你弄清楚你腦子里發生了什麼之后再進一步。你得弄清楚你搭檔腦子里在想什麼。這有點難。那需要一些時間，但我相信這是可以做到的。

I hope youenjoyed this episode and I hope you join me next time in the interim. Don'tforget to join that conversations community on himalaya.com. I'll be answeringthe questions that you leave there. So please leave some. I don't want to belonely until next time.
我希望你喜歡這一集，我希望你下次在過渡期間加入我。别忘了加入對話社區喜馬拉雅網站.我會回答你留下的問題。所以請留下一些。我不想寂寞到下次。