3. What’sHappening in Their Head
3.他們腦子里在想什麼

Since emotionsare so fast and sloppy, we have to sit down and take the time to make sure weunderstand them and understanding yours is one thing. Understanding theemotions of the person with whom you are dealing is quite another. I'm going totry to in this pod course help you get that done.
因為情緒是如此快速和草率，我們必須坐下來花時間確保我們理解它們，而理解你的情緒是一回事。了解和你打交道的人的情緒是另一回事。我將在這個播客課程中試著幫你完成。

Hello, how areyou? This is judge Len Toler, and I'd like to welcome you to the next episodeof that conversation. That conversation is designed to help you talk to theperson that you're in love with. Now in our last episode, we talked aboutemotional intelligence. How you should take a look at who you are, where you'refrom and what you've been through in order to help you determine what you wantto say and how you want to say it today.
你好，你好嗎？我是倫托勒法官，我歡迎你進入下一集的談話。這種對話是為了幫助你和你愛的人交談。在上一集里，我們討論了情商。你應該如何看待你是誰，你來自哪里，你經歷了什麼，以幫助你決定你今天想說什麼和你想怎麼說。

We're going toconcentrate on the emotional underpinnings of the person that you're talkingto, because if you don't understand. Their emotional base, where they're comingfrom, your communication will suffer. I'm going to start by telling you astory. This story happened when I was a judge in a municipal court.
我們會把注意力集中在你談話對象的情感基礎上，因為如果你不明白。他們的情感基礎，他們來自哪里，你的溝通就會受到影響。我先給你講個故事。這個故事發生在我擔任市法院法官時。

I was sentencinga guy on a domestic violence charge it just so, and this was early on in mycareer. I hadn't been at it long. And this particular day, my mother happenedto be in the gallery, just kind of watching what her kid was going to do on thebench. So this guy comes up and he tells me the story of what happened.
我以家庭暴力罪名對一個人宣判，這是我職業生涯的早期。我没干多久。在這一天，我媽媽碰巧在旁聽席上，看著她的孩子在板凳上要做什麼。所以這家夥來告訴我發生了什麼事。

The prosecutorsaid what had happened. He pled no contest. And then I did. What a judge friendof mine calls the acid rain dance. The acid rain dance is when you just levelsomebody, you tell him what he did wrong, why it was wrong, why it wasappropriate and inappropriate. And then I tied it all up with a jail sentenceand off he went.
檢察官說了發生了什麼事。他没有參加比賽。然后我做了。我的一個法官朋友叫酸雨舞。酸雨之舞就是當你把某人推平，告訴他他做錯了什麼，為什麼錯了，為什麼合適和不合適。然后我把這一切都關在監獄里然后他就走了。

Afterwards, mymother came back into my chambers, sat down, looked at me and said, let me tellyou what you did wrong. Now, here I am a chick with a degree from Harvard, adoctorate in law. And my mother is telling me I did something wrong and youknow what I did. I listened. And let me tell you why.
后來，我母親回到我的房間，坐下來，看著我說，讓我告訴你你做錯了什麼。現在，我是一個擁有哈佛大學學位，法學博士學位的女孩。我媽媽告訴我我做錯了什麼，你知道我做了什麼。我聽著。讓我告訴你為什麼。

Degree's a nice, butexperience is one of the best teachers.
學位固然不錯，但經驗是最好的老師之一。

And my motherhad a great deal of experience. This is what she told me. She said, Lenny, Iknow that you think you did the right thing. And clearly that guy was wrong.And clearly you were right to be angry with him. But what I want to ask you todo is to ask yourself, what was that conversation you had with him about, fromwhat I saw, it was about you getting angry and just unloading on him.
我媽媽有豐富的經驗。這是她告訴我的。她說，萊尼，我知道你認為你做了正確的事。很明顯那家夥錯了。很明顯你生他的氣是對的。但我想讓你做的是問問你自己，你和他談的是什麼，據我所見，是你生氣了，只是卸了他的氣。

But what Ibelieve your job as a judge is, is to redirect people is to give themsomewhere, to start to make a change. So when they get out of jail, they justdon't repeat what they've already done. What you just did in that courtroom isnot start to send him on a new journey. What you did was reinforced that man'sbelief that the biggest problem in his life or the women in it.
但我相信你作為一個法官的工作是，重新引導人們的方向，就是給他們一個地方，開始做出改變。所以當他們出獄后，他們不會重復他們已經做過的事。你剛才在法庭上所做的並没有讓他開始新的旅程。你的所作所為強化了那個男人的信念，認為他生活中最大的問題還是生活中的女人。

Now he's sittingin jail thinking about that bitchy hit and that bitch who sat him down. And notonly did you not help him, you hurt her because when he gets out, he's justthat much more angry. From that day forward, I changed how I dealt with peopleon the bench. What I decided to do instead was start my conversations by askingthem why they did what they did.
現在他坐在監獄里想著那個惡毒的殺手還有那個讓他坐下的婊子。你不僅没有幫助他，還傷害了她，因為當他出來的時候，他會更加生氣。從那天起，我改變了我和替補席上的人打交道的方式。相反，我決定先問他們為什麼要這樣做。

Because the deepthing about that is people will believe, you don't understand theircircumstances. And when they don't believe that you understand their circumstances,they won't listen because they think that you're off point. So what I didinstead was talk. I was like, Hey, what did she do? Was she annoying?
因為人們會相信，你不了解他們的處境。當他們不相信你了解他們的情況時，他們不會聽，因為他們認為你偏離了重點。所以我所做的只是交談。我想，嘿，她做了什麼？她煩嗎？

She kept it up.Didn't she just kept going and going and going with them until I found that theperson that I was talking to really realize, I understand whatever pressure orwhatever need or whatever desire he had. And therefore from that point forward,he would listen. And then I would start where he was, which was a bit upset ofthe day.
她一直這樣。她不是一直跟著他們走啊走，直到我發現和我談話的人真正意識到，無論他有什麼壓力、什麼需要或什麼欲望，我都能理解。因此從那以后，他會傾聽。然后我從他所在的地方開始，這一天有點不安。

And slowly walkhim home. I know how you felt. I know why you did what you did. Let me tell youwhy you're wrong. And let me explain to you while you'll be chilling in Countyjail for a hot minute. Now do I believe that that changed everything? Do Ithink that I can stop domestic violence by a few words?
慢慢地送他回家。我知道你的感受。我知道你為什麼這麼做。讓我告訴你為什麼你錯了。讓我給你解釋一下，你要在縣監獄里呆上一分鐘。我相信這改變了一切嗎？我覺得我能用幾句話來制止家庭暴力嗎？

Absolutely not.But what I did learn is that once you've made a connection with that person,They're more likely to hear what you said, and if you didn't convince them ofanything, you've, might've started a pattern of thought that was different. Orat the very least you didn't exacerbate the situation.
絕對不是。但我學到的是，一旦你和那個人建立了聯系，他們就更容易聽到你說的話，如果你什麼都不讓他們相信，你可能已經開始了一種不同的思維模式。或者至少你没有讓情況惡化。

You didn't makeit worse by using the wrong words. I know it worked in some circumstances, notmany, but some. Because I got letters from jail where they want it to tell mewhat they think I got wrong about who they were. That meant that they werethinking about what I said. I've also had several men in court cry when Istarted talking about their daughters.
你用錯了詞並没有讓事情變得更糟。我知道它在某些情況下是有效的，不是很多，而是一些。因為我收到了監獄的來信，他們想告訴我他們認為我錯了什麼。這意味著他們在考慮我說的話。當我開始談論他們的女兒時，我也曾有幾個男人在法庭上哭泣。

If a guy had adaughter. And he was in on a domestic violence case. What I would do was aimedfor his heart. I would say, you know, your daughter will live the life. Yougive your wife. If you want to have your feelings hurt, go
如果一個男人有個女兒。他參與了一起家庭暴力案。我要做的是為了他的心臟。我會說，你知道，你女兒會過上這一生的。你給你妻子。如果你想傷害你的感情，那就去吧

ahead, keep itup. And when your 15 year old daughter comes home one day with her lip swollenand are I busted?
前面，繼續。當你15歲的女兒有一天回家時，她的嘴唇腫了，我被抓了嗎？

Because some dude did toher, what she learned was okay to do from you,
因為有人對她做了，她從你身上學到的一切都可以做，

you will beleveled. So what's that got to do with romantic relationships? I'll tell ya,you're listening to that conversation. A Himalaya learning audio course, besure to check out all of the other awesome exclusive content in the Himalayaapp or on mla.com.
你會被調平的。那這跟戀愛有什麼關系？我告訴你，你在聽那個對話。一個喜馬拉雅學習音頻課程，一定要檢查所有其他可怕的獨家內容在喜馬拉雅應用程序或mla.com網站.

We humans thinkwe're awfully rational. We can do some very extraordinary things, but at thebase of it, we are very. Very emotional people and our emotional underpinningsdetermined a lot of what we do now. In the last episode, I talked about youremotions, getting in touch with them and understanding what they are.
我們人類認為我們非常理性。我們可以做一些非常特别的事情。非常情緒化的人和我們的情感基礎決定了我們現在做什麼。在上一集中，我談到了你的情緒，與他們取得聯系，了解他們是什麼。

So you can usethem in a way that allows you to have a conversation that does you some good.I'm going to ask you to take another step in that direction today, and not onlymake a point of understanding your own emotional life, but the emotional lifeof your romantic partner. Now, cation, in the context of a romanticrelationship can be very, very difficult simply because it is romantic.
所以你可以用一種方式，讓你有一個對話，對你有一些好處。今天我要請你朝這個方向再跨一步，不僅要了解自己的情感生活，還要了解你的浪漫伴侶的情感生活。現在，陽離子，在一段浪漫的關系中，很難，僅僅因為它是浪漫的。

Romanticrelationships are full of great gushing emotions. Mother nature was not playingwhen she put that desire to, to, to couple up together so she can ensure thecontinuation of the species. A lot of the love thing that we do is so deep andemotional. And it's not just deep and emotional for us. It's deep and emotionalfor the person that you're with.
浪漫的關系充滿了激動人心的情感。大自然母親並不是在玩，當她把這種渴望，去，結合在一起，這樣她就可以確保物種的延續。我們做的很多愛都是那麼的深沉和感人。對我們來說，這不僅僅是深沉的感情。對和你在一起的人來說，這是一種深刻的情感。

So if you don'tunderstand the emotions of the person that you're with, how in the world areyou going to talk to them and communicate with them in a way that's meaningful?Emotions are fast and sloppy. I believe Daniel Goldman said that in his book,emotional intelligence, I believe I'm not sure, but it's not mine.
所以，如果你不了解和你在一起的人的情緒，你到底要怎麼跟他們說話，用一種有意義的方式與他們交流？情緒是快速而草率的。我相信丹尼爾·戈德曼在他的《情商》一書中說過，我不確定，但這不是我的。

It's fromsomewhere else, but it is very, very true. So since emotions are so fast andsloppy, we have to sit down and take the time to make sure we understood. Standthem and understanding yours is one thing. Understanding the emotions of theperson with whom you are dealing is quite another. I'm going to try to in thispod course help you get that done.
這是從别的地方來的，但這是非常非常真實的。所以，既然情緒是如此快速和草率，我們就必須坐下來，花點時間確保我們能理解。忍受他們，理解你的是一回事。了解和你打交道的人的情緒是另一回事。我將在這個播客課程中試著幫你完成。

Romanticrelationships occur on at arc. The conversations that you have 33 years deepinto a marriage are quite different from the conversations that you have. First33 days of courtship, like Chris rock used to say, when you're first dating, it'syour representative meeting his representative.
浪漫的關系發生在弧線上。你結婚33年的談話和你的談話完全不同。戀愛的前33天，就像克里斯·洛克常說的，當你第一次約會時，是你的代理人會見他的代理人。

Everybody'sputting their best foot forward. Everybody's laughing at jokes and, and, and,and sharing. History and telling each other how cute they are and all of that.And what happens when you're in that state is the conversation. The feelingsfeel so good to you. You start to feel like. Ah, maybe this person is mysoulmate.
每個人都在竭儘全力。每個人都在笑笑話，還有，還有，還有分享。歷史，告訴對方他們有多可愛等等。當你處於這種狀態時，會發生什麼呢。你感覺真好。你開始覺得。啊，也許這個人是我的靈魂伴侶。

Maybe thisperson is the one. Cause you know, we tend to believe that our society has spenta lot of time putting bells and whistles on romantic relationships, you know,how all the fairytales and, and they live happily ever after. And I ain't goingto lie. That's one of my pet peeves and tell you the
也許這個人就是那個人。因為你知道，我們傾向於相信我們的社會已經花了很多時間在浪漫的關系上編造各種各樣的童話故事，他們從此過著幸福的生活。我不會撒謊的。那是我最討厭的事告訴你

truth.
真相。

If I can findout where they buried that guy, who first wrote that sentence, I would go wherehe is, digging them up, knocking him out and bury him again. What we do in thebeginning. Is enjoy the conversation and I want you to cause that's part of it,enjoy the flirting, enjoy the fun, enjoy the stories and the laughs, but putthat in a bucket of courtship.
如果我能找到他們把那個第一個寫下這句話的人埋在哪里，我會去他現在的地方，把他們挖出來，把他打出來，然后再埋葬他。我們一開始做什麼。享受談話，我希望你能因為這是其中的一部分，享受調情，享受樂趣，享受故事和笑聲，但把它放在求愛的桶里。

Don't put thatin the bucket of, this is exactly who they are. Put that in the bucket of, thisis a piece of who they are when they're being the best person. They can be.What I want to do is enjoy this bucket while I'm constructing another bucket.That allows me to put in information about who that person is, what thatperson's been through, what his personality and peculiarities are.
别把這些放進垃圾桶里，這正是他們的本來面目。把這些放進桶里，這是他們成為最好的人時的一部分。他們可以。我想做的是享受這個水桶，而我正在建造另一個水桶。這讓我可以提供關於這個人是誰，他經歷了什麼，他的個性和特點。

That's what Iwant you to do as you date. And part of that is separating all of the charm andthe love. From the things that you see, what kind of words do they use? Arethey emphatic? People? Are there critical people? Are they angry people? How dothey deal with the other people in their lives that they're not trying toimpress?
這就是你約會時要做的。其中一部分是將所有的魅力和愛分開。從你看到的東西來看，他們用了什麼樣的詞？他們強調嗎？人？有批評的人嗎？他們是憤怒的人嗎？他們如何處理生活中不想給别人留下深刻印象的人？

Is he sweet andkind to you and loving and screaming and carrying on it? Everybody else.Because, you know, when the shine comes off of that new relationship, he'sgoing to treat you like he treats everybody else she'll want her. Is she ademander? Is she talking to everybody else about what she needs from them?
他是不是對你很好很可愛，愛你，尖叫著，繼續著呢？其他人。因為，你知道，當那段新戀情煥發光彩時，他會像對待其他所有她想要她的人一樣對待你。她是需求者嗎？她是不是在跟别人說她需要從他們那里得到什麼？

Remember ifthat's who she is with everybody else. When the new and shiny comes off of you,that's what she's going to want from you. You have to pay it pension. You haveto be somewhat objective in your assessments of how people feel so you can knowhow to take what they say. The emotional thing in a romantic relationship is sodeep that I think I really need to emphasize how complex it is and how movingit is and how it can make you abandon
記住如果她和其他人都是那樣的人。當你身上煥然一新的光彩時，那就是她想要你做的。你得付養老金。你必須客觀地評估人們的感受，這樣你才能知道如何接受他們說的話。浪漫關系中的情感是如此的深刻，我想我真的需要強調它有多復雜，它有多感人，它如何能讓你放棄

logic.
邏輯。

For example,let's do an extreme situation. Love scams, love scams are very, very commoncriminals. Make billions of dollars off it each year. And what they've done. Islearn to use their words, their conversation, what they say in a way thatpricks, the emotional needs of vulnerable people. And then they get thosepeople to send them money.
例如，讓我們做一個極端情況。愛情騙局，愛情騙局是非常非常常見的罪犯。每年從中獲利數十億美元。以及他們的所作所為。就是學會用他們的語言，他們的談話，他們所說的話來刺痛脆弱人群的情感需求。然后他們讓那些人給他們寄錢。

And I don't knowif you pay attention. I watched dr. Phil sometimes, and I think it's justfascinating people in the midst of a romantic scam can be presented with all ofthe rational evidence in the world that this individual is not in fact who heclaimed to be, but because he or she, because women do it to have been able totouch your heart and make you feel the way you want to feel.
我不知道你是否注意。我有時會看菲爾博士，我認為這只是一個迷人的人，在一個浪漫的騙局中，人們可以得到世界上所有合理的證據，證明這個人實際上並不是他聲稱的那樣，而是因為他或她，因為女人這樣做是為了能夠觸動你的心，讓你感受到你想要的感覺。

All the logic inthe world is not enough to persuade you. Now, let me back it up a little bitand give you a less extreme example, but one that you might be more familiarwith. Often times in divorce court, I'll have a couple in there. No one wantsto stay. One wants to go. When I asked the one that wants to stay, what theybelieve is going on, they reiterate all of the love and the good feelings thatthey had in the beginning of the relationship.
世界上所有的邏輯都不足以說服你。現在，讓我支持一下，給你舉一個不那麼極端的例子，但是一個你可能更熟悉的例子。經常在離婚法庭上，我會有一對夫婦。没人想留下來。一個人想走。當我問那個想留下來的人，他們相信會發生什麼，他們重申了他們在戀愛之初的所有愛和美好的感覺。

And they believein their heart of hearts. That that is the true nature of how that person feelsabout them. He loves me. He's my soulmate. She desires me. She makes me happy.She speaks to me. That's what they tell me. I in turn, respond in this oneparticular occasion is how is your belief that he is your soulmate?
他們相信自己的內心。那就是那個人對他們的真實感受。他愛我。他是我的靈魂伴侶。她渴望我。她讓我高興。她跟我說話。他們就是這麼告訴我的。反過來，在這個特殊的場合，我的回答是你如何相信他是你的靈魂伴侶？

Consistent withthe understanding that he slept with your sister a couple of months ago,emotional life, rational life. I have sat in that courtroom and seen onepartner tell the other partner in a thousand different ways that they don'twant to be with them any more. But instead of hearing all of those thousands ofways, they say they don't want to be with any more.
他和你妹妹幾個月前睡過覺，感情生活，理性生活。我坐在法庭上，看到一個合夥人千方百計地告訴另一個合夥人，他們不想再和他們在一起了。但是，他們没有聽到成千上萬的方式，而是說他們不想再和他們在一起了。

They hang on tothe one or two statements inside of all of those thousand statements that saysthat they still love them. And they hang on to them. Like it's the last lifebest on the Titanic. They hang on to them because those beliefs support whatthey want and not what's really before them. What I'm asking you to do is totake a look at what's happening.
他們堅持在那一千條聲明中的一條或兩條，說他們仍然愛著他們。他們緊緊抓住他們。就像是泰坦尼克號上的最后一次生命。他們緊緊抓住他們，因為這些信念支持他們想要的，而不是他們真正想要的。我要你做的就是看看發生了什麼。

What's beingsaid, and in, so doing you'll be able to have a conversation based on fat andnot feeling.
你說的是什麼，這樣你就可以在肥胖的基礎上進行對話，而不是感覺。

Now let's go on.So the conversations that you have with your romantic partner later in therelationship, you're past the initial love stage, you're getting to know eachother better. You might be an exclusive relationship. Heck you might be livingtogether or married. And what you are trying to do at this juncture is meldyour lives.
現在我們繼續。所以當你和你的戀人在戀愛關系的后期進行對話時，你已經度過了最初的戀愛階段，你會更好地了解對方。你可能是一段排外的關系。見鬼你們可能住在一起或者結婚了。在這個關鍵時刻，你要做的就是融入你的生活。

In other words,you're, you're a committed couple. So things have to be adjusted because nowyou're doing a lot of things together, what you need to have an understandingof in order to get this part right. Is how that person is emotionally and whatthey've been through. Just like you did. In the episode before where I talkedabout understanding your own personality and the things that you've beenthrough, you have to understand objectively their personality and the thingsthat they've been through.
換句話說，你們是一對忠誠的夫妻。所以事情必須調整，因為現在你們在一起做很多事情，為了把這一部分做好，你們需要了解什麼。就是那個人的情緒如何以及他們經歷了什麼。就像你一樣。在之前的那一集里，我談到了了解你自己的個性和你所經歷的事情，你必須客觀地了解他們的個性和他們所經歷的事情。

You know, one ofthe best things I ever did. Before I'm married. My husband was sitting at theirhouse and watch him talk to the people that he grew up with his siblings, hisfathers. It taught me a lot about how he conducts business and had I been amore. Uh, less emotional person at the time. I want to use that information tomake the first couple of years of our marriage, a little less difficult, but Ididn't have the wisdom to do it, but I do have the time to tell you about itwhen you watch other people.
你知道，這是我做過的最好的事情之一。在我結婚之前。我丈夫坐在他們家里，看著他和他的兄弟姐妹、父親一起長大的人們交談。這教會了我很多關於他是如何經營生意的，如果我是一個更多的。呃，當時情緒不太好的人。我想用這些信息讓我們結婚的頭幾年，不那麼困難，但我没有智慧去做，但當你觀察别人時，我確實有時間告訴你。

Or the personthat you are in love with conduct business, with other people, it teaches you aboutwho they are and what they've been through in a more objective level. And itallows you to approach the issues that you're going to be in when you're in amore committed relationship in a more rational way, because emotions ease theirway into every conversation you have, no matter what the topic.
或者說，你所愛的人，和其他人做生意，它會教你他們是誰，他們經歷了什麼，在更客觀的層面上。當你處於一段更為堅定的關系中時，它能讓你以一種更理性的方式來處理你將要面對的問題，因為情緒在你的每一次談話中都會很輕鬆，不管話題是什麼。

Let me give youan example. One of the difficulties that my husband and I had when we first gotmarried. Was with respect to money and money is often a very difficult thingfor people to agree on. And people did discuss in the midst of a relationship.For instance, some people use money to keep score.
我給你舉個例子。我和丈夫剛結婚時遇到的困難之一。就錢而言，金錢往往是一件很難讓人認同的事情。人們在談戀愛的時候也討論過。例如，有些人用錢來記分。

Their personalvalue is in part determined by how much they have some people use money forfun. They're not worried about it. They're not upset about it. They just say Igot money in that means I have fun to have, and I'm going to use it to havethat fun. Some people use money to control other people.
他們的個人價值在一定程度上取決於他們有多少人把錢用於娛樂。他們並不擔心。他們並不為此感到不安。他們只是說我有錢就意味著我有樂趣，我要用它來獲得樂趣。有些人用金錢來控制别人。

Some people usemoney to make themselves feel safe. That would be me. You see, I like to havemy money in the bank. I like to look at it. I like to touch it. I like to wrapit around me like a blanket. Cause it makes me feel safe. It makes me believethat I will not one day be a bag lady on the street worrying about where mynext meal comes from.
有些人用錢讓自己感到安全。那就是我。你看，我喜歡把錢存在銀行里。我喜歡看它。我喜歡摸它。我喜歡把它像毯子一樣裹在身上。因為它讓我感到安全。這讓我相信，有一天我不會在街上做一個袋子女，擔心下一頓飯從哪里來。

Money for me issecurity. For my husband money was quite a different thing. It was a way toenjoy himself. Now he wasn't irrational about it. He wasn't a spendthrift, butwhat he was was a guy who had had a lot of responsibility early on. He was thesole bread winner. And he was struggling and now we had two incomes, two newpeople, and he thought we should use some of that money to really enjoyourselves.
錢對我來說就是安全。對我丈夫來說，錢是另一回事。這是一種享受的方式。現在他並没有失去理智。他不是一個揮霍無度的人，但他是一個很早就承擔了很多責任的人。他是唯一的面包贏家。他很掙紮，現在我們有了兩份收入，兩個新人，他認為我們應該用這些錢來真正享受生活。

So when weargued about what was coming in and going out, we agreed on the facts. We justdidn't know what it meant. Until we figured out what money meant to each of us.And to the other one, we were talking about a subject, but we weren't able toresolve it because we weren't discussing the emotional underpinnings of theopinions.
所以，當我們爭論什麼是進進出出時，我們就事實達成了一致。我們只是不知道這是什麼意思。直到我們弄清楚錢對我們每個人意味著什麼。另一個，我們在談論一個話題，但我們没能解決它，因為我們没有討論這些觀點的情感基礎。

That we had, andthat's what we needed to discuss. As you evolve in your relationship, you aregoing to be required to discuss a great deal of things from where you live to,how you live to what you do to your friends, to going out to what you expect,what fidelity means to you. What cheating is your social media?
我們所擁有的，這也是我們需要討論的。隨著你們關系的發展，你將被要求討論很多事情，從你住在哪里，如何生活到你對朋友做了什麼，到出去做你期望的事情，忠誠對你意味著什麼。你的社交媒體是什麼作弊行為？

How often shouldyou post all of these things? You have to come to some agreement on. And all ofthese things, what you need with respect to them is based upon how you feel,you understand how you feel, or at least you should, if you're paying attentionto the things I told you to pay attention to in the last episode, but I alsowant you to pay attention to how the other person
你應該多久貼一次這些東西？你必須就此事達成協議。所有這些事情，你對他們的需要是基於你的感覺，你理解你的感受，或者至少你應該，如果你在關注我在上一集中告訴你要注意的事情，但是我也希望你注意到另一個人

feels.
感覺。

So. You canaddress that. And not just the topic that you're discussing, if you understandthe emotional background, you can deal with that. And the emotional background,giving people what they need to feel, how they want to feel is what allows youto carry the relationship forward in a rational fashion.
所以。你可以解決這個問題。不僅僅是你正在討論的話題，如果你了解情緒背景，你就能處理好。而情感背景，給予人們他們需要的感覺，他們想要的感覺，是讓你以理性的方式推進關系的原因。

So, let me goback to my original story so we can bring this whole thing home. My basic pointis this. You have to understand where people are, what they mean and how theyfeel so you can understand how to best approach them. So you can have the mostmeaningful conversation. Let me give you an example of how this breakdown, ifyou don't do that kind of thing, we'll send you off.
所以，讓我回到我原來的故事，這樣我們就可以把這整件事帶回家。我的基本觀點是。你必須了解人們在哪里，他們的意思和他們的感受，這樣你才能理解如何最好地接近他們。這樣你就可以進行最有意義的談話了。讓我給你舉個例子來說明這種崩潰，如果你不這樣做，我們就把你送走。

Yeah. Full indivorce court in which the young man had a religious awakening in which heabandoned the religion that they shared Christianity and became something else.He was very, very committed to his new religion. It was an awakening for him.It was so meaningful to him and he wanted his wife to take on that sameemotional awakening that, that, that same religious fervor.
是 啊。在離婚法庭上，年輕人有了一種宗教覺醒，他放棄了他們信奉基督教的宗教，變成了另一種宗教。他非常非常忠於他的新宗教。這對他來說是一種覺醒。這對他來說是如此的有意義，他希望他的妻子能喚起同樣的情感覺醒，那種，同樣的宗教熱情。

He got a lot offlack for changing and his religion as people often do, especially if thereligion that you were in, you're surrounded by those people and they, andthey, they see you leaving that religion as you leave in your salvation, as youleaving the community. And he was so emotionally committed to, I am not goingto be deterred from the truth because other people don't understand it, that hewas upset any time anyone said anything to him that was not completelysupportive.
他經常因為改變信仰和信仰而受到抨擊，尤其是如果你所信仰的宗教，你被那些人包圍，他們，他們看到你離開宗教就像你離開自己的救贖，離開社區一樣。他在感情上是如此的堅定，我不會因為别人不理解真相而被嚇倒，以至於每當有人對他說任何不完全支持他的話時，他都會心煩意亂。

His wife was trying toget on board with him. She was ready to give up
他妻子想和他和睦相處。她準備放棄

Christmas. Shewas ready to tell her parents that she did not want to be a Christian anymore,but she was struggling because she had to lose so much of who she was and whatshe was and the people that she dealt with in order to come along with him, shewas telling him that she was upset.
聖誕節。她準備告訴她的父母，她不想再做基督徒了，但她很掙紮，因為她必須失去很多她是誰，她是什麼人，她要和他相處的人，她告訴他她很難過。

About what shewas losing, but she was telling him that that's why it's taking her time to getwhere he was instead of hearing her pain, instead of hearing her problems, whathe heard was I don't agree with you and his belief that she didn't agree withhim. Filled up his mind. So he couldn't hear her words.
關於她失去了什麼，但她告訴他，這就是為什麼她花時間去了解他，而不是聽到她的痛苦，而不是她的問題，他聽到的是我不同意你和他的信念，她不同意他。讓他心滿意足。所以他聽不見她的話。

I tried toreiterate what she was saying to him in different words, but he was socommitted to the proposition that anything other than absolute acceptance wastelling him that he was wrong. He was unable. To get anywhere. Any conversationwith him was unsuccessful. He would have been able to save his marriage.
我試圖用不同的語言重申她對他說的話，但他對這個主張太執著了，除了絕對的接受，其他任何東西都在告訴他他錯了。他不能。去任何地方。與他任何談話都没有成功。他本來可以挽救他的婚姻。

Had he been ableto hear the emotional cries of his wife? Had he been able to look past thepracticality of it and seeing the emotion of it? That's what I'm asking you todo at every level. If you're just getting together, if you're working thingout. Working things out, or if you've been together forever.
他能聽到妻子激動的哭聲嗎？他是否能夠越過它的實用性，看到它的情感？這就是我要求你在每個層面上都要做的。如果你們只是在一起，如果你們在一起工作。解決問題，或者如果你一直在一起。

Always bewilling to put your feelings on pause and examine the feelings of others,because that way you can start where they are and slowly walk them home. That'swhat I have to say. That's this episode of that conversation. If you want totalk some more, join the community for that conversation on himalaya.com.
總是願意把你的感覺停下來，檢查别人的感受，因為這樣你就可以從他們的地方開始，慢慢地把他們帶回家。這就是我要說的。這就是那次談話的這一集。如果你想多聊幾句，就加入社區，在喜馬拉雅網站.

Ask me somequestions. I want to have a whole episode where that's what I do. Just answeryour questions. So I want you to come along and have that conversation with meabout that conversation you want to have with the person that you're in lovewith. Enjoy your love, enjoy your life, but always be rational.
問我一些問題。我想有一整集我就是這麼做的。回答你的問題。所以我希望你能和我談談你想和你愛的人的談話。享受你的愛，享受你的生活，但要保持理性。

Always bethinking and always have all of your best conversational tools at the ready,because conversation communication makes everything that much
一直在思考，並隨時準備好你最好的對話工具，因為對話交流使一切變得那麼重要

easier until next time.
下次再說吧。