6. Pain and Suffering - Part 2

Welcome back to another episode ofmindfulness for everyday life workshop. In this episode, I'm going to discusssome of the exercises and some of the meditation techniques to work withsuffering or discomfort. One of the biggest misconceptions that we deal withwhen it comes to mindfulness and the mindful approach to dealing withsuffering.

[00:00:33] Is that we're practicingmindfulness to try to change our feelings. In other words, if I practicemindfulness enough, or if I do it the right way. I will change my feelings.I'll experience less sadness, for example, and more happiness. And that's themisconception. We're not trying to change our feelings.

[00:00:53] We're trying to change therelationship we have with our feelings. The relationship I have with sadness isone that's not so, so good. Right? I'm trying to push it away. I don't want tofeel it. The one that I have with happiness is also not so good. I'm chasingafter it. And I want more of it. So, what we're trying to accomplish throughmindfulness practice is the subtle change in the relationship we have with ourfeelings.

[00:01:20] But it's not that we're tryingto change or get rid of our feelings. So keep that in mind. As we work throughthis, the exercise I want to share in this episode involves becomingcomfortable with discomfort. Now there's a story that I really liked that comesfrom Tibet. And this is the story of a man who was walking around and feeling alot of discomfort on his bare feet because of the ruggedness of the terrain.

[00:01:48] And he proposed that maybe tothe right place. He could find enough leather to cover the entire earth withleather so that he could comfortably walk on it. And then someone suggestedyou'll never find enough leather to do that, but why not find just enoughleather to cover the bottoms of your feet, then you can walk anywhere on anyterrain and you'll, it has the same effect.

[00:02:14] And this way of thinking to meis really powerful. I think sometimes we go through our, throughout our lives,unintentionally doing what this gentleman was doing, wanting to soften all thesharp edges of everything that's out there because we want it to be comfortablefor us rather than us, ourselves becoming more comfortable with discomfort,putting the leather on our own feet so that we can go walk on the jacketterrain.

[00:02:42] So in this exercise, what we'regoing to do is write a letter and the letter is written to your feelings. Sofor example, um, I went through an ordeal in my life that left me very angryand very bitter. And the event that triggered this, I thought was the problem,right? It's this thing happened. And because this thing happened, this feelingarose.

[00:03:04] And then I didn't like how I wasfeeling. In my case, it was anger. So as you write this letter, you're notwriting the letter to the event that triggered the feeling. You're just writingthe letter to the feeling and my case. Again, this is anger that we're talkingabout. So when you write the letter to a feeling, uh, this can be any feelingthat causes discomfort in you.

[00:03:27] What you want to focus on is therelationship you have with the feeling. This can be a really powerful techniquewhen I did this with my feeling of anger. I came to the realization that I didnot like being angry. I was very angry at the fact that I was angry. Anger issomething that I had been conditioned to believe that someone like me doesn'texperience, uh, I believe that the time that I'm the type of person who's niceand the type of person who's friendly.

[00:03:57] Who always turns the othercheek, uh, is forgiving. So when I was confronted with an instance ofexperiencing of really strong emotion, like anger, I battled it for many monthsand actually years because of the poor relationship I had with anger, anytimeit would surface, I was angry. And then I was angry that I was angry, but Ididn't realize that at the time I just thought I was just angry.

[00:04:23] But once I wrote this letter tomy feelings and I said, anger, it's me, it's you. And I have confronted eachother a few times. And then I just started writing and write whatever comes tomind, express how you feel when this feeling arises. Do you want this feelingthere? If you don't like it, why don't you like it?

[00:04:42] Write a letter to it. Now thisprocess was very therapeutic for me. And what ended up happening with time isit changed the relationship I had with the anger that I was feeling and theanger that I was experiencing. But now this event that triggered the wholething had passed. You know, it had been several years.

[00:05:02] But the feeling, therelationship I had with my anger became very healing and I healed thatrelationship. But you can say, uh, I could say I befriended my anger andsuddenly I was no longer embarrassed to feel angry. I was no longer angry thatI was angry. I was finally just angry and it was perfectly okay to just beangry.

[00:05:26] Now, the amount of time that Ispent being angry. Eventually passed, uh, because for so long, the angercouldn't go away because the S the more you fight it, the stronger it's there.And there's a, there's a story that kind of, um, illustrates this. And it's aneat story. And I like sharing it with my kids, but I'll just kind of give youthe summarized version of the story.

[00:05:51] And the story is about a stickymonster sticky hair monster. And there was a Prince who was trying to traversethe forest, but he couldn't because there was a giant sticky haired monster.And this monster devoured anyone who came to fight him. So he showed up and hewas renowned for his use of various weapons.

[00:06:12] And he attempted one weaponagainst the monster. And it didn't work because it was. The weapon would getstuck in his sticky hair. He tried another, he tried another, he goes throughall of them. And then at the end, what he's left with is the weapon of hismind. And he uses his wits and he convinces the monster that he shouldn't eathim because he's poisoned.

[00:06:33] And the monster, if he eats him willalso die. And the monster says, well, that's too risky. I'm not going to dothat. So I guess I won't eat you. And in the process of talking, he be friendsof the monster, and then he eventually confides and tells the monster hissecret that he's not poisoned. And the monster was so impressed with his witand with his mind.

[00:06:55] Uh, they, he doesn't eat him.They just become friends. And then the monster goes on and changes his ways aswell and stop seeding people and allows people to walk through the forest. Andthis is a story that I really enjoy because I think about the relationship thatI have with my feelings, my feelings are like the sticky monster anger, forexample, is the sticky monster.

[00:07:16] And the more I fight it. The themore I set myself up to lose because I can't change the feelings that arise inme, but I can change the relationship I have with those feelings. And the sameway that this Prince who was fighting a sticky monster, can't do anything tochange the fact that this is sticky haired monster, but by spending time andgetting to know the monster, he changed the relationship he had with themonster.

[00:07:44] And that's exactly what we'retrying to do. And the way that we navigate our mindful way of being with ourthoughts and feelings and emotions. So that's the exercise, write a letter toyour feelings and see how that goes. The next I'll share with you a meditation.So take a moment to get comfortable in your chair, or if you're sitting on ameditation cushion and take a deep breath in and slowly exhale out, allowyourself to settle into the present moment.

[00:08:15] Bringing your full attention tohere and now, and you can close your eyes or you can keep them open. It's up toyou.

[00:08:29] This guided meditation is intendedto help you understand discomfort and to empower you to choose how you dealwith your discomfort.

[00:08:42] You can start by focusing yourattention on your posture. Notice if you're experiencing any discomfort in theway that you're sitting and if so, make any necessary adjustments to ensureyou're comfortable and relaxed.

[00:09:06] And now take a moment to becompletely still. Don't adjust your body. Don't scratch any itches. Don't moveat all and pretend that you're a statue or a mannequin for a moment.

[00:09:23] you'll notice if you stay stilllong enough, you're going to experience discomfort. Perhaps you're feelinganxious now to adjust your feet. Or maybe now that I mentioned an itch. There'sa niche that you want to scratch. Just observe that for a moment without doinganything.

[00:09:47] I recognize the moment that wewant life to be other than it is we experience suffering and we experiencediscomfort and notice how it's not necessarily the pain or a feeling or anevent or circumstances themselves that produce the discomfort. But it's therelationship to these things that produces discomfort.

[00:10:08] In other words, our aversion tocertain feelings or events causes our suffering and our discomfort

[00:10:21] discomfort or suffering is auniversal experience. Everyone experiences it, the scale and the intensity mayvary from person to person. But the overall feeling of discomfort orunsatisfactoriness is felt by all at one point,

[00:10:45] bring your own awareness to anyspecific instances of physical discomfort that you may be feeling. Now, focusyour attention to the area where you feel discomfort or pain. Notice how youfeel as you become aware of the pain or the discomfort,

[00:11:10] try to become aware of how youare with the pain. Do you resist it? Do you feel a sense of aversion to thefeeling? Notice how there is indeed a relationship between the discomfort andyour aversion to the discomfort? And rather than trying to eliminate thiscomfort from our lives, imagine being able to become more comfortable with thediscomfort.

[00:11:42] Now, bring your awareness to anyspecific instances of non-physical discomfort.

[00:11:50] Maybe you recently got into anargument. Perhaps you lost your job. Maybe you're not happy with the relationshipdynamic that you have with someone you care about, whatever it is, focus yourattention on the discomfort that you feel, the pain that you feel from thisspecific circumstance in your life.

[00:12:14] notice how you feel as you focusyour awareness on the feeling of discomfort. Do you resist it? Are you feelinga sense of aversion to this feeling and notice how there's a relationshipbetween the circumstance that causes discomfort and your aversion to thefeeling of discomfort?

[00:12:39] Okay. Oftentimes we experiencediscomfort around circumstances that we have no control over in such cases,trying to eliminate the discomfort will only create more discomfort. Imaginefor a moment, what it would be like to be okay with the discomfort that you feel,what if there was no aversion to the discomfort,

[00:13:05] how would that feel?

[00:13:12] And then notice, how does thefeeling of pain or discomfort change as you observe it, as you observed therelationship, you have to, it. As we work with this comfort, we notice thatthere's how we feel. And then there's how we feel about how we feel. And youmay find that a lot of the discomfort you feel is associated to the secondlayer of discomfort, the feeling about the feeling

[00:13:42] you feel pain, and you're madthat you feel pain or you feel hurt. And you're feeling sad that you're feelinghurt. What if we could remain with the first feeling and allow it to be justwhat it is without aversion towards it.

[00:14:01] see if you can identify thesecond layer of suffering in any of the instances of suffering that you may beexperiencing right now.

[00:14:11] See if you can notice if any. Ofthe instances of suffering might be associated to an unskillful view or anunskillful belief.

[00:14:24] A common one that I see here aswith parenting parenting is hard. Raising kids is a hard thing, but then if youhave the unskillful belief that it should be easy than when you're trying toraise a kid and it's hard and you think it should be easy. You're nowexperiencing unnecessary suffering, because it's hard enough to be a parent,but it's even harder to think that you're doing it wrong because it's supposedto be easy.

[00:14:51] Nobody said it's supposed to beeasy. In fact, we know that it's hard. It's hard for everyone who does it. Soby noticing that this view or this belief, that parenting should be easy ifyou're doing it right. I just get rid of the view. It's, it's a false belief.It's a harmful belief. And once I get rid of that belief, Then I'm only leftwith the initial, uh, stage, which is that parenting is hard, but it's okaybecause no one said that it's supposed to be easy.

[00:15:25] And again, it's not aboutremoving the discomfort. It's about working with the relationship we have withthe discomfort.

[00:15:38] As you continue to practice thismeditation where you think about instances of suffering and you see if you canidentify the secondary layer of suffering or oftentimes it's third, fourth,fifth layers. There may be very complex layers where the instances of sufferingthat we're experiencing are no longer from the primary or very first layer.

[00:16:08] There's this meditation sessioncomes to a close, bring your awareness back to the space where you are, noticeyour breathing pattern. Notice how you feel. .