8. Redirecting the Trajectory

We always got stuck in the same place untilone day when I said what I said, which I had been saying for years, he pausedbecause he was thinking about why I kept saying it. And the next thing he saidwas genius. Hi, this is judge Lynn Toler, and welcome to episode eight of thatconversation. An audio course designed to help you talk to the person thatyou're in love with this episode is going to be called breaking badcommunication habits.

[00:00:44] Now we all get into bad communicationhabits. In fact, we all get into bad habits. Routinely bad habits are thehobgoblin of not getting it right. We tend to do what we've already done overand over and over again. As a matter of fact on divorce court, what I found waspeople will always tell me, you know, judge I've tried everything.

[00:01:09] I've tried every way to talk tothem. I've tried every way to convince her. But nothing seems to change. Thenwhen I asked them, what effect did you try? We all realized the following. Theydidn't try everything. What they did was try the same thing over and over andover again with varying degrees of effort.

[00:01:33] That's the habit that I'm tryingto help you break here in episode eight. Let me start with a story about Bobbyand Sue. Bobby and Sue were living together. Bobby and Sue both had jobsoutside of the home. Bobby and Sue had two children together. Bobby and Suefought all of the time. The conversation was always about something different,even though it was about the same thing.

[00:02:05] Let me explain what I'm talkingabout. Bobby did manual labor. He worked hard. He worked on his feet. He usedhis back. He had 12 hour shifts when he came home, he was exhausted. He alsoknew that Sue worked in an office where she was a receptionist or a secretary,something like that. And he saw her job rightfully so as less labor intensive.

[00:02:34] Having done the hard work whenhe got home, he wants to do no work at all. All he could talk about was howhard he worked to her. He never listened about how hard she was working.Clearly it wasn't physical, it wasn't manual, it wasn't as exhausting, but itwas still work. They never talked about what they needed to do in order to cometo some kind of compromise or conclusion.

[00:03:04] What they talked about was howangry they were at the other person for a, not respecting the fact that Iworked 12 hours at a labor job. And it was very difficult. Or be not respectingthe fact that I worked all day, I come home work with the children cook meals andyou don't do anything to help. It was a complication.

[00:03:27] It was, it was a concern, butthe concern was time management and need not who was doing the wrong thing toone another. But the conversation they kept having was about. You don't respectme. You don't love me. You don't respect what I do. You don't help me out. Youdon't do your part. That was the conversation.

[00:03:48] That conversation that was beinghad every day, when he came home, led to other conversations, which was whydidn't she come home? Bobby got tired of coming home from work and having thatsame conversation about how she didn't feel respected. He was still tired. Hisjob hadn't changed her job hadn't changed and he didn't understand why herconversation had it changed.

[00:04:13] So he stopped coming home. Hedropped by and a bar afterwards, he'd go over friends and play call of duty orwhatever. So the next conversation they started to have over and over again wasabout how he never comes home, how he never comes home or why he never comeshome. Wasn't the point? The point was he didn't come home because he was tiredof having the previous conversation.

[00:04:40] And the previous conversationkept getting had, because they didn't understand what to talk about. Theydidn't understand what the problem was and how to deal with it. At the end ofthis episode, I will tell you the conversation that Bobby and Sue should havehad after I tell you all of the things to look out for when you guys are havingthat same conversation that never gets you.

[00:05:05] Where you're going,

[00:05:15] listening to that conversation.Uh, Himalaya learning audio course, be sure to check out all of the otherawesome exclusive content in the Himalaya app for on it. mla.com.

[00:05:33] The first thing I need you todo. When you're trying not to have the same ineffective conversation over andover again is to listen for patterns. Listen for when you have thatconversation, what usually sparks that conversation. And what typically getssaid during that conversation, what happens is.

[00:05:57] We're also inundated by ourpoint of view and trying to get how we feel across to the other person in thatmoment. We don't step back away from that conversation and ask ourselves, arewe really talking about the right thing? That's hard to do, because what you'resaying makes so much sense to you in the moment.

[00:06:21] It's your feeling, it's whatthey need or what you want them to address. And you just need them to hear you.But if you back away from the conversation that you keep having to note when ithappens, why it happens and what you say, when it happens, you will be able tonote patterns. I call this developing your second set of eyes, no matter whereI go, no matter what I do.

[00:06:49] I have a little piece of myselfthat stands away from the situation that I'm faced with. And that little pieceof myself looks at that situation objectively. Huh? He keeps saying that. Ikeep responding and he doesn't seem to understand, that's not an indication forme to keep saying what I said. It's an indication for me to listen to what he'ssaying and figure out something new to say that will actually address what heneeds, because once I address what he needs, we might actually be able to moveon.

[00:07:37] Let me give you an example. Um,I'm going to say Fred and Sally, Fred and Sally were in divorce court and Fredkept talking about how she doesn't respect him. She kept talking about all ofthe little things that he wasn't paying attention to. So she had to pay attentionto it. She wasn't listening to how he was receiving her really legitimate needsto get some things done.

[00:08:13] And he wasn't listening to howshe had legitimate needs because he was dealing with how, what she said madehim feel. I've got a little saying that I have about gender. And it's this menneed applause when they least deserve it. And women need love when they, yeah.The least lovable Sally's problem was she didn't feel loved because he didn'tseem to want to provide her with what she needed, which was small thing.

[00:08:53] Fred perceived that she wassimply criticizing him, kind of like a mother about all the small things thathe ought to do. And he felt like a child had they been paying attention, theywould have seen what I told him. So I told them, and then they knew, which was,she had the wrong tone going in. If it was a nagging tone, all he heard was thenag and the nag went straight to his ego and told him to fight the insult tohis ego.

[00:09:27] She kept hearing. I don't careabout what you need no matter how small it is, because he kept just denyingthat she needed it or did not, or refusing to deal with it. Let me put it thatway. She, she saw him refusing to deal with it as a lack of love for her. Theyneeded to hear their tone. Her tone was fussy and he was yelling.

[00:09:53] I had another saying. Yelling islike writing your point of view on the side of a missile. You may be right. Butthe truth of what you said gets destroyed in the explosion. Once he exploded,she was dealing with all of the distress that, that explosion caused and nolonger, or didn't have the ability to hear what he was truly upset about one,because he was yelling and to him, I don't really know.

[00:10:23] My recommendation was this. Whenyou come into a conversation about needs and wants, you got to figure out whatyour needs and wants are, and then you can't ask for all of them. You also haveto articulate very specific needs and wants you. Can't tell a man or a woman. Ineed you to respect me. What does that mean?

[00:10:47] What behavior do they have tochange in order to make you feel that way? They don't know. And they won't knowunless, you know, and you won't know, unless you take the time to figure it outbefore you start addressing your concerns. And then you could say, you knowwhat, hon, it would be really great if you could a, B and C and I'd be reallyappreciative if you did it.

[00:11:15] That comes across to him as arequest, as a rescue. And not as my mother telling me what to do, what he neededto do in response, even if she was nagging was saying, listen, babe, if you'vegot something specific that you need, I can help you with it. But I don't wantto hear a whole lot about everything I didn't do every day, all the time.

[00:11:40] Just give me something you doright now. And then we'll work from there. The thing I tell all couples is youdon't want to win every argument because if you win every argument, you losethe relationship. If you win every argument, the person with whom you're arguingfeels unloved, invalidated, and undesired.

[00:12:03] Sometimes you got to take aloss. So team love can win. I could tell you stories all day about people I sawin divorce court. But what I'm going to do now is simply explains somebehaviors that I kept seeing in a number of cases that were things, things thatpeople often ran into when they were trying to have a conversation with aperson that they were loved with the first one of course, as I said, was howyou get into it and volume.

[00:12:36] The next thing I want you tolook out for if you're having that same conversation over and over again iswhether or not either one of you or both of you are engaged in globalization.Globalization is saying things like you always this and you never have that, oryou're the worst or you couldn't, it's UN it's the use of a lot of subpurlative.

[00:13:00] It's outrageous. That you camehome late. It's your volume. It's the tone. It's the tenor of your words. It'swhat words you use. If you globalize, you make every event dramatic and huge.If you globalize and say always and never the person to whom you are speakingis going to spend their time. Looking through the file box in their minddefined examples of the fact that never or always is not true.

[00:13:31] Do you understand what I'msaying? You never come on home on time. I did two Thursdays ago. Don't youremember? That's not really what they want to talk about. What they want totalk about is the fact that one person feels unloved and uncared for, because they'renot getting enough time with you and the other person needs to know what it isthey need to do in order to fulfill that need and still have a life that is, isfun and enjoyable.

[00:13:59] But once you get into the alwaysnever contest, you end up fighting about how often this, that, or the otherthing happens and never get to the underlying thing. I don't feel loved. I needmore of this. I need time to myself, but let me do these things for you. CauseI love you. Next thing you got to watch out for is low blows.

[00:14:25] If you were in love withsomebody and you know him well, you know, what gets to them, you know, what themommy did to him that makes him just outrageously angry. You know what the exdid to him that hurt them. If you go low, the other person is simply fightinghurt. They're fighting you and they're fighting what you said.

[00:14:49] They are not hearing. They arenot looking to accommodate because what you've done is say, I don't care aboutthe topic I'm looking to hurt you. Now it's easy for you not to go low. Well,that's not easy for everybody not to go low because I have found that whenpeople get hurt, they do go low instinctively.

[00:15:10] Well, not instinctively, atleast I hope it's not instinctive, but uh, some people get in the habit ofgoing low because they inspire such a great response in the person that they'retalking to. The blow back. I usually get from asking people before me not to golow is like, well, why should I not go low?

[00:15:30] Cause I know she or he is goingto go low. So why would I take the high ground when the person that I'm with istaking the slow ground. Here's what you do consistently take the high groundfor a while. Your partner keeps going low. Just ride it out, ride it out. Thenone day say, you know, I'm trying to have a conversation.

[00:15:56] That's going to get us where weneed to go. If you keep going to this, that, or the other thing, we're justgoing to end up arguing about this, that, and the other thing, notice. I don'tsay things like that to you, because I don't want to hurt you. I want you tounderstand what I'm talking about, and I want to understand what you're talkingabout, but when you keep bringing up how Bobby Mac dropped me in the fifthgrade, that's just designed to hurt me.

[00:16:25] Can you see that? That's theconversation that you have instead of responding to a low blow with another lowblow.

[00:16:41] Here's another thing that Ifound often derails couples, when they're trying to have good conversation, oneparty. Or both parties may be a person who wants to fight all the way tocapitulation. Unfortunately, it's a human trait that people don't like to admitwhen they're wrong. And back in the day when I was a little less, how can Isay, uh, Cool calm and together than I am today.

[00:17:12] I was one of these people whowanted to fight to capitulation. I not only wanted to prove that I was right. Ineeded you to say yes, you're right. And I'm sorry, in the moment, in order toshut me up, my mother was watching me doing this with my husband one day andshe pulled me to the side and said, baby, I saw his face.

[00:17:37] When you were talking to him, heunderstood what you meant. He understood what you wanted and you were still athim. And I said, yeah, but he didn't apologize. He didn't say why he was wrong.And she said, you know, sometimes that's hard for people. What you want is achange in behavior. So if I were you, I would exchange the desire to get theapology you ain't gonna get.

[00:18:06] For the desire to have thebehavior that you wanted in the first place, you gotta be a grown person inorder to do that. But once you see the other party has had a light bulb momentin which they have received the information. You were seeking to impart. Don'tkeep pushing so you can have them say I was wrong.

[00:18:29] I'm sorry. All of that. It'ssatisfying in the moment, but if you got your point across and you got thebetter behavior, that's much better than trolling for, I'm sorry. That'll killthem. I give you as a super grown thing to do. Uh, it ain't easy for mostpeople, but it's very, very effective. Another thing I've seen as a constantproblem in the conversation territory amongst couples is that they inviteinterlopers.

[00:19:01] In other words, my mother said,Lily Ann said on the internet, they said, I Googled it and realized you're anarcissist. If you bring other people into the conversation, then you'rebringing up matters of ego. Nobody wants to look small, stupid, or less than tothe rest of the world. So you're inviting trouble telling the person thatyou're trying to have a productive conversation with.

[00:19:34] That other people don't believehe's correct that other people believe she is, is wrong and, and ridiculous.And it also reminds them that you're sharing what's going on between theprivacy of the two of you with other people. Don't nobody want that dirtylaundry hanging in somebody else's yard. You don't want it.

[00:19:58] They don't want it. So no matterhow much your mama, your girlfriends, your, your, your dude friends, or theinternet supports your opposite, even on Reddit, if you have a Reddit Redditstream, and then you go back and tell everybody what already said about you, itisn't going to help you. You can read what they're saying.

[00:20:19] You can use the logic therein,but don't claim to have the consensus of opinion of the world on your side,because the other person's going to be fighting to save their ego. And they'realso going to be upset with you because you're sharing what's going on in yourhouse with everybody else. And don't nobody need that.

[00:20:39] And can I, can I, can I just sayone more thing about that? In this time of social media, we do ourrelationships and ourselves so much damage by feeling something and then tweetingabout it. And really deciding whether or not it is appropriate for publicconsumption. It might feel good in the moment to share your distress, butremember the rest of the world don't need to know.

[00:21:10] And once the news gets backaround to the person that you love, you've created a whole nother problem,which is you're harming me publicly. You are defaming me. That's the legal termand it's not legal, but that's what, that's the feeling of it. You are, youare. Exposing me as wrong. And as a loser to the rest of the world, you arechoosing to expose me and hurt me as opposed to love me.

[00:21:42] And talk to me, don't get caughtup easy to do because all your friends are gonna get on there and say, yeah,you're right. That's check, chase the Apple. This dude. Don't fall prey to thatdon't type. Anything post, anything that you wouldn't be comfortable postingwith your significant other standing next to you, you're inviting all whole newset of problems.

[00:22:06] You simply don't need to haveI'm strong on that one. Watch your social media. It is not the place to airyour concerns about the person that you're in love.

[00:22:23] This next common concern I callthe tennis ball trip up. You know how, when you play in tennis, I don't know ifyou play tennis or not, but you've watched tennis being played and they hit theball. And every time they hit the ball, they're watching the ball and gettingready to hit the ball back. They're not really thinking about other thingsthey're thinking about.

[00:22:42] The ball where it is thetrajectory and how that other person is hitting it back to them. They watch howthe other person brings their arm back. Cause it, it signals to them, you know,are they going to go with a lot of top? Are they going to go with a back hand?Are they going to go with a flatter ball?

[00:23:00] You are concentrated ondelivery. In a conversation don't concentrate on delivery, concentrate on themessage, the best way to concentrate on the merits. I'm going to give you theanswer right now. Here it is.

[00:23:24] Did you hear that? I'm gonna doa one more time to make sure here's the answer.

[00:23:33] Did you hear that? I paused. Iwant right now to give some applause for the cause of the pause, that's whereall of the best conversational conduct occurs. Someone says something to youand you pause you pause to figure out what he said, how often he said it, whyhe said it and. How it is, you can reply to the need in cased in what he saidas to pose to simply responding quickly as if the pause will make you look likeyou're unsure or wrong or not committed.

[00:24:18] The pause makes you lookintelligent, the pauses, where the thinking happens. The pause is the beauty.My husband and I had been having the same argument for 18 years. Hang on. Tellyou what it's about. Cause I know he's listening and I just told you not toshare too much personal information with other people about your spouse.

[00:24:41] Having said that I will saythis. We always got stuck in the same place until one day when I said what Isaid, which had been saying for years, He paused because he was thinking aboutwhy I kept saying it. And the next thing he said was genius. You know, baby,what I don't think you understand about the times that I've done this before isas son of a gun.

[00:25:20] If that wasn't true. Instead ofhim being upset with me, about me being upset about what he was doing. He tookthe time to figure out why I was upset and try to explain to me what I wasmissing when he did that. I returned with a pause after the pause. I said, Isee what you're saying. Then he said, what can I do to help alleviate thatconcern?

[00:25:58] And then I paused again and Ididn't say, don't do it. Don't upset me you're this or that. I said, you know,if you would just. This before you, that that will resolve my problem. Hepaused to let me know that he was listening and he also paused to decidewhether or not when and how he could do that specific thing I asked him to do.

[00:26:26] And then after the pause, he said,yeah, I can do that. Another pause. Let's go to dinner. In order tosuccessfully use the pause. You have to remember the things that I've told youin previous episodes about people's emotional and historical backgrounds. Youhave to think about who that person is and why that person might be upset aboutthis thing.

[00:26:58] In the example that I gave youabout me and my husband, the thing that he. Actually held on to was the factthat I am a very fearful chick. I am very scared. I always think that the worstthing is about to happen when he responded to my concern. He did. So with thatin mind, so his response was meant to target my fear, not targeted to tell me Iwas wrong to be fearful of it.

[00:27:32] Because you really can't justtalk people out of fear. What he did was target the fear with his behavior thatwould help alleviate that fear whether or not he shared it or whether or not hefelt it was appropriate. He loved me that fear existed. If he could dosomething to address that fear, that's what he decided to do.

[00:27:56] And that's what he came backwith me. When you talk to somebody. In the pause, consider who they areemotionally, where they came from their family, their exes, and also go back tothe episode where I talked about love languages, how do they receive theirpeace? How do they receive their love? So how can I.

[00:28:22] Respond with the information Ineed to do in a manner that will speak to them in a language that theyunderstand. The pause is the perfect time to get all that together. The pauseis the perfect time to assemble the information, run it through the machine ofwhat you know about their past and their personality and come out the otherend.

[00:28:48] With a productive statement thatwill help that conversation yield results. That pause is where you use yoursecond set of eyes. That pause is where you stand away from the conversation,the emotion of it, the need of it, the ask of it and ask yourself what's reallyhappening here. What would it be like if judge Lynn Tola was standing in theliving room with me, what would she see?

[00:29:18] And what would she tell me thatis that objective piece that can change the trajectory of a conversation youkeep having that never quite worked. So

[00:29:35] now I do not claim, especiallyfor people who haven't been together for a while, that you can go into a. Apurely paused compensation. That's so helped my husband and I, without a littlemore practice, the odds are what's gonna happen is you're gonna have a lot ofconversations where you simply can't resolve it in the moment, what you need todo with respect to conversations, where it appears.

[00:30:04] That y'all, can't come to aconclusion that y'all can't fix it. That y'all can't get it right. You have toknow how to exit. Well, now here's the thing, a conversation, an argument canplace with between the two of you, new negative emotions. Rebound emotions bythe hurt that's caused by a low blow war, or, uh, tell talking to you aboutwhat other people say about you.

[00:30:40] You can do all of that harm andstill not resolve what's going on, what you need to do when you get out of aconversation that there's been no resolution to. Is to give it some kind ofpeace period. In other words, baby, keep having this conversation and itdoesn't seem like it's going to get resolved today.

[00:31:08] I tell you what, let's table itfor a moment. I know where your position is. You know what my position is. I'mgoing to sit down and think about what I can do to get you what you need. You dothat, and we'll come out later or. What I prefer to do is tell a joke, Oh, arewe done now, baby? We ain't fixing it.

[00:31:27] And I'd rather not fight. Can wejust do this some other time? There's always a way two. No, what's happening.Note that it's not getting done. Understand that we're angry. We're upset. Butwe're not going to carry it with us. We're not going to start our nextconversation with the same of anger and energy that we're ending thisconversation.

[00:31:56] So we're going to decide to endthis conversation though, unresolved with a nod toward the love that we feelfor one another. It's just something to do, throw it in there. So you don'thave all those rebound emotions. Just careening off the walls wherever you are,when you can't get past the ugly things that you may have said to one anotherin the conversation that you have, or to get past the frustration in the factthat you simply couldn't resolve it, you got to acknowledge that you'refrustrated, but that you love each other.

[00:32:36] And you're going to go at itagain. But you're not going to start at the same stuck you were when you endedthis conversation. So I've noted a lot of patterns of bad conversations, andI'm sure that there are other patterns that you may have run into, but if youtake the time to step away, Use your second set of eyes and figure out whatyour patterns are.

[00:32:58] You can take the time before youhave the next conversation to set up a plan for that conversation thataddresses those concerns that you have. Here are the things that I suggest youdo before the next conversation. After the last conversation that didn't workout the way you wanted it to, first of all, decide when, where and how you'regoing to go into it.

[00:33:23] Don't just wait till he's lateagain, or she's lost something else or the same issue arises. Talk about itwhen there is nothing immediately at issue that gives you a leg up on logic andallows the emotional part to be in the backseat because you're not emotionallycharged by a current issue. That's number one, number two, I always recommendhaving a place.

[00:33:52] Or an expression or a gesturethat allows the other person to know, Hey, we're about to have a conversation.You may not like it, but I need to resolve it, but I don't want to fight. Iwant to resolve, I don't know. Do any of you watch insecure? And when, when,uh, Easter says Malibu to her buddy, I can't remember buddy's name.

[00:34:20] But she says Malibu that setsthe table. We're going to tell the absolute truth. Even if it's jacked up. Ihave the same kind of phrase of my own family. It is not Malibu. It is notanother city. It's it's. Can I say this when my husband hears, can I say this?He knows. I'm about to say something that I know that he's not going to, like,he also knows that I'm not trying to hurt him, upset him, or bother him.

[00:34:46] It's something that I've thoughtabout I really need to address, but I don't want to start no stuff with it.That sets him up. He knows what he's about to hear. He knows where I'm comingfrom. I have the, the invitation to start that conversation. Not in a place ofanger and angst, but in a place of we're looking to resolve.

[00:35:12] I also tend to touch my husbandwhen I have a difficult conversation that I need to engage in. I hold his hand,I throw my feet up on his lap to let him know the issue is the problem not youhere's yet another trick of the trade. And I'm going to start this out with astory as well, really a story, but just an understanding of what goes on in myhouse.

[00:35:41] You come over my house and myhusband and I are saying, Oh, please, baby. Thank you. Oh, absolutely. Oh, Iappreciate that. We're being super polite and super kind to one another, youknow, we ain't getting alone. Courtesy greases the wheels of human interaction.So with wherein, uh, in a lumpy place, In a sticky place.

[00:36:06] We use a lot of courtesy. So wedon't inadvertently start some stuff that is based on emotion and not what weneed to talk about. Now, when we're getting along, we say all kinds of raggedystuff to one another. We enjoy it. We have fun weeks. Tease each other. We talkabout each other, but that's because we know where our head is and our head isin a place where we can receive teasing.

[00:36:34] And it's not going to be aproblem. There is value in please. And thank you. There is a value in I'msorry, or I wasn't right. There is value in kindness that allows you to takeoff the emotion. Of a situation. So you can get to the facts of a situation.

[00:37:04] Let me go back to Bobby and Sue.The couple I introduced you to in the beginning of this episode. Bobby. And Suewere always fighting when they got home from work because Bobby felt like heshould do nothing. Sue felt like he should do something. Neither. One of themwere really understanding what the other one was talking about.

[00:37:25] And then eventually Bobbystopped coming home right away, simply to avoid the fight, but ended up havinganother fight all together about the fact that he didn't come home, what Bobbyand Sue needed to do. Based upon what I just told you is the following don'thave the conversation when he just gets home.

[00:37:46] Just don't do it. It's a timewhen everybody's tad bit upset. I don't have, I have a deep conversation withmy man after four o'clock in the afternoon game nut just can't do it onemorning. One Saturday, you start the conversation and say, you know, We havethis argument. Every time we come home from work, I don't want to have it nexttime.

[00:38:13] Here's what I'm willing to do inorder to get this together. I'm not going to ask you to do anything when youget home from work. Instead, I'm going to ask you just for one thing right now.When you come home, after you've cooled off for about an hour, could you takethe trash out? That's all I need. Yeah.

[00:38:36] Ask for one thing, not the wholething, just one thing. And then when you get that one thing, you applaud thatone thing and ask for another thing. If he were to start that conversation, hewould go something like, you know, we always fight when we come home and I justdon't want to do it. So I want to have this conversation with you right now.

[00:39:00] I am physically exhausted. If Icould get an hour, an hour and a half before you asked me for something, thatwould be cool. And if you couldn't ask me for a lot of things, one or twothings that you really want, then maybe I can get it done and just not feeloverwhelmed. And then what you do is engage in the process of putting somethingon it.

[00:39:28] That's what I call, you know,it's like, Love is a bank or a bank account, and you want to put love in thebank account and you'll want the bank account to earn interest. So every timeor significant other does something in a conversation that is giving or, orresponsive, you make it a point. To do something equally kind or loving inreturn, or it doesn't even have to be equally kind and loving, but something,you put something on it, you don't win when you get your way you win.

[00:40:05] When you get some of what youwant and give them some of what you want, because the love goes up. You havemore of a base, more of an ability. To deal with your problems in the contextof a relationship that is positive and moving forward, as opposed to one thatis negative and just going around and around in circles.

[00:40:28] This, by the way, leads me tothe next thing I want to talk about in episode nine, which is, you know,conversations aren't just for resolving problems. Conversation is for creatingan atmosphere and progressing your relationship. I want to talk to you nextweek about all those conversations that you can have that builds a soundfoundation.

[00:40:50] That's not resolving problems,but, uh, but in gendering love. And kindness and care and allowing each of youto feel empowered and enlightened and loved by the other one. It's a purelypositive conversation that we're going to talk about that you should fill yourdays with. So when negative things happen, you have a bigger cushion betweenyou.

[00:41:15] And Matt is running. So thereyou go. That's episode eight of that conversation. I hope you enjoyed ourconversation about that conversation. I also invite you to leave questions andcomments. I would love to be able to answer some of the things that you want toknow about until then best of luck, stay calm, stay cool, and have greatconversations.

[00:41:52] Thank you for listening toepisode eight of that conversation. A Himalaya learning audio course. Be sureto check out all of the other awesome exclusive content in the Himalaya app oron himalaya.com. .